Ann Landers Is A Boring Old Biddy! Homer's Great Aunt Hortense dies so they go to collect Homer's Inheritance. However there's a catch, they must stay a night in a haunted house. And they learn most of it will go to Ann Landers, the boring old biddy!

Plot[edit | edit source]

Homer took in the bills and letters one day. “Bill, bill, death threat to Bart from Sideshow Bob, bill, ohhh this letter is hand written!” said Homer,

Homer screamed when he read the letter. “Great Aunt Hortense is dead!”

Homer told his family the devastating news.

"Oh no! Poor Great Great Aunt Hortense!" Lisa sighed.

"I don't know why you're cut up. None of us really knew her! I didn't even know I had a Great Aunt Hortense!" Homer replied.

Marge hrrrrmed.

“Which one is Great Aunt Hortense again?” Bart asked.

“She looks like me dressed as a woman. That woman you saw when I forgot to pick you up from your soccer game was her.” said Homer. “Man she loved singing I am woman hear me roar...”

Bart shivered in disgust. That lady Homer was just weird.

They went to her funeral.

“We gather here to day to celebrate the life of Homer’s dear Aunt Hortense. She was not well liked even by her own family. Her favourite celebrity was Ann Landers. Her favourite movie was The Legend of The Dog Faced Woman.” said Lovejoy.

Homer bursted out laughing. “The legend of the dog faced old woman! Hahahahaha! What a classic!”

Bart laughed along, too.

“Homer!” Marge scolded Homer for laughing at a funeral.

“Oh come on Marge it’s a funeral for my family... I don’t think I’m being that heinous.” said Homer as they got in the car after the funeral to see Hortense’s will. “Not like our kids at my uncle Hubert’s funeral...”

"Dad! That was Bart playing up at that funeral!" Lisa retorted.

“Yeah but for some odd reason Marge and Homer were cross with you and Maggie in that Tracy Ullman short. And all Bart did was faint.” said Oscar. Anyway I’m glad I didn’t arrive on your doorstep until Simpsons roasting on an open fire. Ugh... such scribbly characters...”

...

In the short about Uncle Hubert’s funeral, Bart, Lisa and Maggie immediately fainting upon seeing Uncle Hubert’s corpse.

...

“Hmmmmm... that short didn’t make sense... Only Bart misbehaved, as usual... and I didn’t really give the emotion that I was disappointed! I sound like I’m eating the microphone...” Marge sighed.

"Anyway she might have something in her will. Oh I hope it's money!" Homer explained. They drive to the office of the executioner of Hortense's will.

The executioner of the will is a creepy old man. He explains the terms of the will are that they must spend a night in a haunted house to get Homer's inheritance. The Simpsons agree to it.

They go to the scary haunted house and stay the night. Strangely they had a peaceful night's sleep.

“Wow I have never had a better night’s sleep!” said Homer stretching as the Simpsons left the haunted house content.

“Their water tasted better than ours!” said Lisa.

“Well theirs doesn’t have LSD in it Lis.” said Bart.

The executioner gives them Homer's inheritance. A pittance. The rest went to Ann Landers.

"Oh I'm sorry, I must have kept talking after you left the office. I do that sometimes." The executioner of the will explained before laughing evilly as he went off screen.

"This is an outrage! Why did she give Ann Landers everything?" Homer yelled.

"Maybe she was closer to her than her own family?" Lisa explained.

"But no one likes Ann Landers! She's a boring old biddy!" Homer whined.

"Homer!" Marge told him off. "We don't call Ann Landers that! She's a nice person!"

"She's a boring old biddy!" Homer retorted.

Marge was shocked by Homer's behavior and covered her kids' ears.

"Mom that doesn't work after we've heard what Dad said..." Bart explained dryly.

...

At home Marge is very cross with Homer for calling Ann Landers a boring old biddy. Whereas Homer is mad that his Great Aunt gave away her inheritance.

"What's wrong with calling Ann Landers a boring old biddy anyway?" Oscar asked. The Simpson kids are shocked by his language.

"She's a respected member of the community. Even the Flanders like her! You can't call her that!" Lisa explained.

"Hey. No one's the boss of me. I'll call her that if I want!" Oscar insisted.

...

Marge went to visit the Flanders. She explained to them that Homer called Ann Landers a boring old biddy. The Flanders are shocked.

"Well, this is a bit embarrassing Marge, but. One night Ned had a bit to drink." Maude explained.

"It was one blackberry schnapps!" Ned added.

"Yes dear, but you don't drink!" Maude replied. "Anyway, as we got into bed I asked Ned if he remembered to call Ann Landers when he suddenly called her an old biddy!"

Marge is horrified. "Ned?!"

"I know! I was more animal than man!" Ned sobbed. Maude comforted him.

The two neighboring families had a meeting. The Simpsons being the reluctant partner due to Marge's insistence. Her family and Oscar looked extremely bored and dressed up nicely in their church clothes.

“Queen of the harpies! Queen of the harpies!” Oscar yelled before being strangled by Homer growling like his season one self.

“Quiet you little!”

Marge and the Flanders explained they all had to agree not to insult Ann Landers anymore. However Homer was still mad about his inheritance and Oscar was being rebellious.

"You both must promise to behave or you won't be going to the zoo!" Marge explained. Homer and Bart groaned. Marge noticed Oscar wasn't phased as he could just take himself to the zoo. "The zoo's very far to walk to Oscar..."

"Fine..." Oscar groaned. He didn't feel like walking there.

...

Thanks to Lionel Hutz, Homer overrode the will on the account of Great Aunt Hortense being senile and got all of her money she left behind.

"Woohoo! We're rich!" Homer cheered.

That afternoon the family are deciding what to spend the money on. Bart starts insulting Lisa to get attention.

"Loud mouth Lisa! Stupid Lisa Garbage Face! Ugh! I can't believe you people! (Starts jumping on the couch) Please pay attention to me! Hey I'm Bart! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Looklblblblblook!" Bart then pulls faces.

"Bart! Sit down and be quiet!" Marge told him off.

...

Marge is reading a magazine one day when there's an advertisement for a Canyonero. A very large land rover type vehicle advertised for women.

"That's it! I always fancied a new car!" Marge remarked. That day they sold her orange car and got a Canyonero.

Marge enjoyed the canyonero. It had more than enough room for shopping and when the got stuck in a traffic jam she learnt it could go off road and took a shortcut home.

Meanwhile Bart and Lisa gave Oscar a swear jar. Every time he said “Ann Landers is a boring old biddy!” he would have to put money in it. Oscar soon learnt to stop saying it. For now anyway.

“We should also make it for cursing in general. We all know how often you like to say the F word...” said Bart.

However there was incident one shopping afternoon where everyone as eager to get out of the parking lot first. Agnes was arguing with the Van Houtens. The Flanders were arguing with Moe.

Marge got so fed up she drove the Canyonero over their cars, squashing them. However she was stopped by Chief Wiggum.

"Marge, this isn't a destruction derby. I'm afraid you'll have to take a road rage course or you'll lose your driving license.

Marge gasps and is humiliated.

...

Everyone who was arguing in the parking lot is attending the road rage course, including some other residents such as Jimbo and Snake. Even Oscar's there, even though he's too young to drive.

Eddie puts on a video tape. A police woman officer is at a blackboard writing Road Rage on it while explaining she was there to teach about Road Rage.

"So you're not here to explain that there's no Adobe in Nairobi?" Oscar asked. Agnes tells him off for interrupting the tape.

"Go on dear." Agnes says to the tape.

The tape then shows clips of angry drivers consumed by road rage.

"I sentence you to kiss my ass!" A judge yells while driving aggressively.

After the tape Eddie is dressed up as the politeness puma to teach everyone to be polite on the roads.

Eventually everyone passes and they all politely take turns leaving the parking lot of the police station.

...

It's the day the Simpsons planned their day out to the Springfield Zoo. Marge drives them there in the canyonero and they go to see all the animals.

However Homer is annoyed to find a sloth sleeping.

"Wake up you stupid sloth!" Homer yells at the sloth.

"Dad! It's supposed to sleeping! They don't move about much!" Lisa explained.

"Let me borrow your slingshot boy." Homer borrows Bart's slingshot.

"Dad no!" Lisa knows he's going to cause trouble harming the poor sloth.

"I'm just going to wake the lazy little sloth up..." Homer shoots a rock at the sloth. It squeaks and wakes with a start. It runs down its tree and bites a kangaroo's tail. Then the kangaroo kicked a rhinoceros making it mad. The rhinoceros broke out of its pen and started a stampede!

"Oh no! Dad! Look what you've done!" Lisa cried as they ran to avoid the stampede.

...

A park keeper got out his tranquilizer gun and shot at the rhinoceros. However he missed and hit a lemur. The lemur started dancing like snoopy before fainting.

"(Giggling) Funny lemur!" Oscar giggled at the dancing lemur.

The Simpsons ran into the car park being chased by the rhinoceroses. However Homer stopped because he thought he could stop them.

"Wait, I'll save the day!" Homer declared. "Jumanji!" However the rhinoceroses kept running towards them do they had to run. "Does anything work from the movies?"

"Dad, why did you think that would work..." Bart groaned as they climbed onto the roof of Marge's canyonero.

"I don't know..." Homer replied. The rhinoceroses then started circling the car.

...

During the time they were surrounded by the rhinoceroses Homer decided to throw popcorn at them. "Die rhinos! Die!" Homer cried. It didn't seem to work. Oscar is telephoning Peter from Jumanji.

"What is he doing...?" Peter asked grimacing

"Don't ask..." Oscar face palmed.

Eventually Homer ran out of popcorn but managed to somehow kill one of the rhinoceroses as it was lying lifelessly by the canyonero.

"Wow! Popcorn kills rhinoceroses!" Bart cooes. Oscar has an idea.

"No Oscar you can't try to subdue the rhinos with popcorn the next time you come to Jumanji..." Peter face palmed.

The other rhinoceros got tranquilized. The leader however grabbed Homer's belt on his horn.

"Whoooooaaa!" Homer yelled as he was swung about.

"Dad!" Bart, Lisa and Hugo yelled.

The rhinoceros took Homer while swinging him about to a construction site. It then swung hard and threw him into a portable toilet.

"Phew! I could take a whiz right now!" Homer sighs. However a rhinoceros horn pierces the portable toilet's wall. Homer screams and sees the rhinoceros charging towards the portable toilet again. The horn pierces through the walls again trying to gore Homer.

"Aaaaagh! Wow! This is just like that scene from Friday the Thirteenth part five where that Michael Jackson look alike got killed in a outdoor toilet by Jason!" Homer remarked.

However Marge saved the day by beeping her horn. The rhinoceros felt intimidated by the large vehicle and ran away.

"There it goes. Probably to eat someone's parents..." Oscar remarks. Bart frowns at him for being stupid.

The family check on Homer before they drive home.

”I’m fine. I had quite a scare though.”

In canon Fox holds him at gun point to say how good their shows are or something.

The end.

Epilogue[edit | edit source]

Deleted scenes and bloopers!

The Simpsons are running from the rhinoceroses.

"Jumanji!" Homer yells at the rhinoceroses. It doesn't work. "Doesn't anything from the movies actually work?!" Peter, Judy and Alan grimace at Homer's attempt to subdue the rhinoceroses by invoking Jumanji...

In Jumanji merged Springfield Zoo Homer tries kill the rhinoceroses with popcorn. Peter and Judy sweatdrop at his bizarre behaviour, especially when one of the rhinoceroses actually dies.

"Ibsen's gonna flip..." Peter sighed.

Then Homer argues with late Robin Williams over whose the better Genie. They then start strangling each other.

The Simpsons then go on the lion trail. However Homer wants to go off the trail. They pass Aunt Nora's car in a jungle area where Jumanji has merged with Springfield.

"Guys you're in the wrong cartoon..." Peter groans as Oscar waves at him as the Simpsons canyonero drives downhill.

At the scene where Homer is tossed into a portable toilet and nearly gored. He remarks how similar this scene is to Friday the thirteenth.

Jason shrugs his shoulders and mumbles when the camera pans on him.

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