Simpsons Fanon
Advertisement

Ann Landers Is A Boring Old Biddy! Homer's Great Aunt Hortense dies so they go to collect Homer's Inheritance. However there's a catch, they must stay a night in a haunted house. And they learn most of it will go to Ann Landers, the boring old biddy!

Plot[]

Homer took in the bills and letters one day. “Bill, bill, death threat to Bart from Sideshow Bob, bill, ohhh this letter is hand written!” said Homer,

Homer screamed when he read the letter. “Great Aunt Hortense is dead!”

Homer told his family the devastating news.

"Oh no! Poor Great Great Aunt Hortense!" Lisa sighed.

"I don't know why you're cut up. None of us really knew her! I didn't even know I had a Great Aunt Hortense!" Homer replied.

Marge hrrrrmed.

“Which one is Great Aunt Hortense again?” Bart asked.

“She looks like me dressed as a woman. That woman you saw when I forgot to pick you up from your soccer game was her.” said Homer. “Man she loved singing I am woman hear me roar...”

Bart shivered in disgust. That lady Homer was just weird.

They went to her funeral.

“We gather here to day to celebrate the life of Homer’s dear Aunt Hortense. She was not well liked even by her own family. Her favourite celebrity was Ann Landers. Her favourite movie was The Legend of The Dog Faced Woman.” said Lovejoy.

Homer bursted out laughing. “The legend of the dog faced old woman! Hahahahaha! What a classic!”

Bart laughed along, too.

“Homer!” Marge scolded Homer for laughing at a funeral.

Dr Simpson, Fashion CEO Simpson, Stanley Simpson, Likes to be the rich guy at parties Simpson all glared at Homer.

Homer gulped.

“Oh come on Marge it’s a funeral for my family... I don’t think I’m being that heinous.” said Homer as they got in the car after the funeral to see Hortense’s will. “Not like our kids at my uncle Hubert’s funeral...”

"Dad! That was Bart playing up at that funeral!" Lisa retorted.

“Yeah but for some odd reason Marge and Homer were cross with you and Maggie in that Tracy Ullman short. And all Bart did was faint.” said Oscar. Anyway I’m glad I didn’t arrive on your doorstep until Simpsons roasting on an open fire. Ugh... such scribbly characters...”

In the short about Uncle Hubert’s funeral, Bart, Lisa and Maggie immediately fainting upon seeing Uncle Hubert’s corpse.

“Hmmmmm... that short didn’t make sense... Only Bart misbehaved, as usual... and I didn’t really give the emotion that I was disappointed! I sound like I’m eating the microphone...” Marge sighed.

"Anyway she might have something in her will. Oh I hope it's money!" Homer explained. They drive to the office of the executioner of Hortense's will.

...

The executioner of the will is a creepy old man.

Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Hugo and Oscar screamed.

They are in the office of the Executioner of Aunt Hortense’s will.

He explains the terms of the will are that they must spend a night in a haunted house to get Homer's inheritance.

Oscar winced. “Is that a normal condition set in a will?” He was skeptical.

”Yes.” said the executioner of the Will.

The Simpsons agree to it.

They go to the scary haunted house and stay the night. Strangely they had a peaceful night's sleep.

“Wow I have never had a better night’s sleep!” said Homer stretching as the Simpsons left the haunted house content.

“Their water tasted better than ours!” said Lisa.

“Well theirs doesn’t have LSD in it Lis.” said Bart.

”I had my own my room.” said Hugo bounding down the steps on all fours like a dog.

”Well don’t get used to it. Your home is in the attic.” said Homer.

The executioner gives them Homer's inheritance. A pittance. The rest went to Ann Landers.

“As stipulated in the will.”

The Simpsons frowned and felt cheated.

"Oh I'm sorry, I must have kept talking after you left the office. I do that sometimes." The executioner of the will explained before laughing evilly as he went off screen.

"This is an outrage! Why did she give Ann Landers everything?" Homer yelled.

"Maybe she was closer to her than her own family?" Lisa explained.

"But no one likes Ann Landers! She's a boring old biddy!" Homer whined.

"Homer!" Marge told him off. "We don't call Ann Landers that! She's a nice person!"

"She's a boring old biddy!" Homer retorted.

Marge was shocked by Homer's behavior and covered her kids' ears.

"Mom that doesn't work after we've heard what Dad said..." Bart explained dryly.

”Boring old biddy! Boring old biddy!” sang Homer.

”Homer! Enough!” Marge scolded him. “Look let’s just go home. We got cheated. It seemed your great aunt just liked Ann Landers more than her own family. There’s nothing more that you can do...”

“Not if I can help it, and help it I might!” said Homer determined.

Marge sighed exasperated.

...

At home Marge is very cross with Homer for calling Ann Landers a boring old biddy.

She muttered pacing up and down the lounge as Homer sat in the green armchair.

Whereas Homer is mad that his Great Aunt gave away her inheritance.

Homer frowned annoyed at his Great Aunt.

"What's wrong with calling Ann Landers a boring old biddy anyway?" Oscar asked.

The Simpson kids are shocked by his language.

"She's a respected member of the community. Even the Flanders like her! You can't call her that!" Lisa explained.

"Hey. No one's the boss of me. I'll call her that if I want!" Oscar insisted.

Lisa frowned at him.

Oscar was thinking of something random and ridiculous again.

A fire-farting beast with the body of a giant lobster and the head of Drew Carey.

“Oz no!” Bart groaned.

”Oz you’re insane. And not in a clever way... your ideas are just weird...” said Hugo.

Oscar frowned.

”Homer you can be so infuriating! Like when you drove your car into the sea because you were distracted with loads of gadgets!” Marge nagged.

We cut to Homer with smoke machines and a mini DJ turntable in his car singing Chaka Khan badly.

“Chaka Khan! Chaka Khan! I feel for you Chaka Khan!”

Homer drove off a pier.

Back at Home Homer scoffed.

”What about your gambling problem?”

Marge gasped. How low!

”Oh, you drive like an old lady.” said Marge annoyed.

Homer gasped. She must know about my cross dressing alter ego! (The weird singing lady from when Homer was late picking Bart up from soccer.)

The kids did the hoovering in the dining room loudly to blot out their parents yelling.

“I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.” said Bart studying the hoover/vacuum cleaner as it ran.

Quiffy broke up into Spud and Cameron. Then they fusion danced and in a glowing silhouette and... where they stood there was now Crud from Winnie the Pooh. A giant cartoon slime monster.

Crud was very pleased about a vacuum cleaner that blows.

Bart winced exasperated.

...

Marge went to visit the Flanders. She explained to them that Homer called Ann Landers a boring old biddy. The Flanders are shocked.

"Well, this is a bit embarrassing Marge, but. One night Ned had a bit to drink." Maude explained.

"It was one blackberry schnapps!" Ned added.

"Yes dear, but you don't drink!" Maude replied. "Anyway, as we got into bed I asked Ned if he remembered to call Ann Landers when he suddenly called her an old biddy!"

Marge is horrified. "Ned?!"

"I know! I was more animal than man!" Ned sobbed. Maude comforted him.

Oscar laughed. “Boring old biddy...”

Marge sighed disappointed in Oscar for finding it funny to call Ann Landers a boring old buddy.

The two neighboring families had a meeting.

Homer groaned.

The Simpsons being the reluctant partner due to Marge's insistence.

Her family and Oscar looked extremely bored and dressed up nicely in their church clothes.

Gloria and her husband were there too.

“Queen of the harpies! Queen of the harpies!” Oscar yelled before being strangled by Homer growling like his season one self.

“Quiet you little!”

”Homer!” Marge told off Homer for strangling Oscar.

Marge and the Flanders explained they all had to agree not to insult Ann Landers anymore. However Homer was still mad about his inheritance and Oscar was being rebellious.

"You both must promise to behave or you won't be going to the zoo!" Marge explained.

Homer and Bart groaned. “Yes Mom....”

Marge noticed Oscar wasn't phased as he could just take himself to the zoo. "The zoo's very far to walk to Oscar..."

"Fine..." Oscar groaned. He didn't feel like walking there. “But what if I absentmindedly say it? Help me out here Teddy!”

“That's too bad, mister. I'm not gonna bail you out this time.” said Teddy, Oscar’s living teddy bear creature frowning.

”You used to be fun...” Oscar groaned.

The rest of the Simpsons were so bored they held idle conversations.

“Honey, what's your favourite movie?“ Homer asked Lisa.

“Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".” said Lisa.

”That wasn’t me. That was your mother. She said I was getting obsessed with wanting to live under the sea...” said Homer.

...

Thanks to Lionel Hutz, Homer overrode the will on the account of Great Aunt Hortense being senile and got all of her money she left behind.

“Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent inheritance since my suit against the film "The Never Ending Story".” said Lionel Hutz.

”Hasn’t it occurred to you people that Hortense probably trusted me as a person more than her own family?” said Ann Landers annoyed.

”No because this whole sordid affair shows my Great Aunt Hortense was a decrepit, senile old biddy who gave her money away to other, undeserving old biddies! That is my money by birth right!” Homer ranted.

Marge face palmed.

The ghost of Hortense haunted them. Annoyed they took her money. “Woooooooooooooo!”

”Oh boo yourself...” said Homer.

Marge sighed.

”I’m not comfortable with this...”

At Home.

"Woohoo! We're rich!" Homer cheered.

“What shall we spend the money on?” Lisa asked.

Marge frowned. “It isn’t ours! Hortense wanted Ann Landers to have it!”

”Buy the materials needed to construct giant robot ants!” Oscar suggested.

”No Oz...” Bart groaned.

That afternoon the family are deciding what to spend the money on. Bart starts insulting Lisa to get attention.

"Loud mouth Lisa! Stupid Lisa Garbage Face! Ugh! I can't believe you people! (Starts jumping on the couch) Please pay attention to me! Hey I'm Bart! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Looklblblblblook!" Bart then pulls faces.

"Bart! Sit down and be quiet!" Marge told him off.

“Oh Marge is it just me.. Or is it just this Sweet Tea is So Good.” said Homer drinking tea.

Oscar was drinking tea with his tea set.

”Hey Limey Boy. Mom said no using the kettle or tea pot...” said Bart.

Oscar made a face at him.

Marge just blanked Homer. She was mad at him for taking Hortense’s money and not accepting her decision to distribute it as she felt like.

Plot 2[]

Marge is reading a magazine one day when there's an advertisement for a Canyonero. A very large land rover type vehicle advertised for women.

"That's it! I always fancied a new car!" Marge remarked. That day they sold her orange car and got a Canyonero.

”Maybe we should keep the orange car in case something goes wrong. Or Matt resets everything to maintain the status quo...” said Homer.

In canon Homer bought it but his friends laughed at him because it was a women’s vehicle.

Marge enjoyed the canyonero. It had more than enough room for shopping and when the got stuck in a traffic jam she learnt it could go off road and took a shortcut home.

Also it asked Marge where she’d like to go today.

Meanwhile Bart and Lisa gave Oscar a swear jar. Every time he said “Ann Landers is a boring old biddy!” he would have to put money in it. Oscar soon learnt to stop saying it. For now anyway.

“We should also make it for cursing in general. We all know how often you like to say the F word...” said Bart.

”Fffffmmmmmph!’ Oscar tried to swear but Hugo hand gagged him, Hugo shook his head disapproving.

Anyway another trip home from the shops in Marge’s all terrain vehicle thing.

“Well, that's a first. I've never been able... to fit 32 grocery bags into one car before.” said Marge.

”And two 80x packs of diapers.” said Hugo. There were two packs of diapers. 80 each for Maggie and Oscar.

“Ew! Why is Courtney Love on the Wheaties box?“ Bart groaned looking at the cereal.

”Murderer! Murderer!” Oscar screamed pointing at the Courtney Love cereal.

“Hmm. I thought it was Sandy Duncan.“ said Marge.

”Murderer!” Oscar continued.

”Oz! Don’t blame Courtney for Kurt Cobain’s suicide...” Lisa sighed.

”Mom the ice cream’s starting to melt.” said Bart.

”Do not eat all the chocolate again, Bart...” Hugo said frowning at him.

Bart made a rude face at Hugo.

...

At Home.

Baron Von Chicken Pants returns!!

Bart was in the kitchen in his underwear. He took the raw chicken out and wore it upon himself like a diaper.

Lisa gasped.

”Look Lis! I’m Baron Von Chicken Pants! Bwaaaaaark!” said Bart.

”Bart that was tonight’s dinner....” said Lisa.

”You’re tonight’s dinner.” said Bart.

”Mooooooom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult....” Lisa yelled.

”Lisa why are you concerned by Bart wearing our chicken dinner for tonight? You’re vegetarian...” said Hugo.

”I just... I don’t know!” said Lisa.

”Ha! Lisa doesn’t know something!” said Bart laughing.

Lisa growled.

Oscar kept screaming murderer at the Courtney Love cereal.

Hugo winced.

Teddy the living teddy bear creature sighed and took Oscar outside.

Oscar went for a walk to calm himself. He went to Candy is Dandy the candy store.

”Better than candy, you’re so dandy. Buttercup dancer, I love yooooooouuuuu!” Teddy sang.

Oscar winced.

In the candy store there were Wonka bars. Or Bonker Bars, so Zombie Roald Dahl doesn’t sue...”

”Ooooh! Honeycomb!” said Oscar. “Eh, Teddy?”

”Uh you do know I can’t eat human chocolate...” said Teddy.

Luckily the store sold pieces of raw honeycomb. Oscar bought one for Teddy.

Oscar paid for his candy and went home eating it while his pet teddy bear creature was eating a honeycomb because he’s a bear...

...

However there was incident one shopping afternoon where everyone as eager to get out of the parking lot first. Agnes was arguing with the Van Houtens. The Flanders were arguing with Moe.

“Geez. Try the gas pedal, Grandma.” said Kirk.

”Why you ill mannered sack of crap!” said Agnes angrily.

”Come on people...

(horns honking)

Marge got so fed up she drove the Canyonero over their cars, squashing them. However she was stopped by Chief Wiggum.

"Marge, this isn't a destruction derby. I'm afraid you'll have to take a road rage course or you'll lose your driving license.

Marge gasps and is humiliated.

Everyone who was arguing in the parking lot is attending the road rage course, including some other residents such as Jimbo and Snake. Even Oscar's there, even though he's too young to drive.

Eddie puts on a video tape. A police woman officer is at a blackboard writing Road Rage on it while explaining she was there to teach about Road Rage.

“Duh!” said Kearney as if it was obvious.

”Shhhhh! The sergeant is talking!” Agnes told him off for talking.

"So you're not here to explain that there's no Adobe in Nairobi?" Oscar asked.

Agnes tells him off for interrupting the tape.

”Quiet! You ill mannered brat!”

Oscar stuck his tongue out.

"Go on dear." Agnes says to the tape.

The tape then shows clips of angry drivers consumed by road rage.

”Learn to drive, dimwit!” yelled a guy.

"I sentence you to kiss my ass!" A judge yells while driving aggressively.

After the tape Eddie is dressed up as the politeness puma to teach everyone to be polite on the roads.

However Lou was dressed as Curtis E Bear and they had a wrestling match and it was hilarious.

Eventually everyone passes and they all politely take turns leaving the parking lot of the police station.

...

In town Mariah Carey sang a high note for some minutes until Bumblebee Man’s head exploded in a gory manner.

Pamela Anderson collapsed under the weight of her giant boobs.

”I pity the fool!” said Mr T.

Wiggum sighed monitoring the mad celebrities.

”Chief do I really still have to wear the suit?” Lou as Curtis E Bear moaned.

”Bears don’t talk Lou.” said Wiggum.

”Yes they do.” said Teddy. Yogi, Winnie and Paddington were with him.

”Well maybe your paws are a type of donut then. Mmmmmm! Donuts...” said Wiggum. (Bear Claw donuts)

Teddy screamed.

...

It's the day the Simpsons planned their day out to the Springfield Zoo.

Marge drives them there in the canyonero and they go to see all the animals.

”Does anyone need the bathroom?”

”No...” said Homer.

”No...” said Bart.

”Already went in my diaper.” said Oscar.

Ar the zoo.

They look at the animals.

However Homer is annoyed to find a sloth sleeping.

"Wake up you stupid sloth!" Homer yells at the sloth.

”Move!!” Vernon Dursley yelled.

"Dad! It's supposed to sleeping! They don't move about much!" Lisa explained.

"Let me borrow your slingshot boy." Homer borrows Bart's slingshot.

"Dad no!" Lisa knows he's going to cause trouble harming the poor sloth.

"I'm just going to wake the lazy little sloth up..." Homer shoots a rock at the sloth.

It squeaks and wakes with a start. It runs down its tree and bites a kangaroo's tail. Then the kangaroo kicked a rhinoceros making it mad. The rhinoceros broke out of its pen and started a stampede!

"Oh no! Dad! Look what you've done!" Lisa cried as they ran to avoid the stampede.

Homer whimpered.

A park keeper got out his tranquilizer gun and shot at the rhinoceros. However he missed and hit a lemur. The lemur started dancing like snoopy before fainting.

"(Giggling) Funny lemur!" Oscar giggled at the dancing lemur.

Come on Oz! Run! Angry rhino!” Lisa pulled him along.

The Simpsons ran into the car park being chased by the rhinoceroses. However Homer stopped because he thought he could stop them.

"Wait, I'll save the day!" Homer declared. "Jumanji!" However the rhinoceroses kept running towards them do they had to run. "Does anything work from the movies?"

Oscar cracked up laughing.

"Dad, why did you think that would work..." Bart groaned as they climbed onto the roof of Marge's canyonero.

"I don't know..." Homer replied. The rhinoceroses then started circling the car.

Oh and Steve Irwin or a caricature is the zookeeper.

...

During the time they were surrounded by the rhinoceroses Homer decided to throw popcorn at them. "Die rhinos! Die!" Homer cried. It didn't seem to work.

Bart winced.

Oscar is telephoning Peter from Jumanji.

"What is he doing...?" Peter asked grimacing

"Don't ask..." Oscar face palmed.

Eventually Homer ran out of popcorn but managed to somehow kill one of the rhinoceroses as it was lying lifelessly by the canyonero.

"Wow! Popcorn kills rhinoceroses!" Bart cooes.

Oscar has an idea.

"No Oscar you can't try to subdue the rhinos with popcorn the next time you come to Jumanji..." Peter face palmed.

The other rhinoceros got tranquilized. The leader however grabbed Homer's belt on his horn.

"Whoooooaaa!" Homer yelled as he was swung about.

"Dad!" Bart, Lisa and Hugo yelled.

The rhinoceros took Homer while swinging him about to a construction site. It then swung hard and threw him into a portable toilet.

"Phew! I could take a whiz right now!" Homer sighs. However a rhinoceros horn pierces the portable toilet's wall. Homer screams and sees the rhinoceros charging towards the portable toilet again. The horn pierces through the walls again trying to gore Homer.

"Aaaaagh! Wow! This is just like that scene from Friday the Thirteenth part five where that Michael Jackson look alike got killed in a outdoor toilet by Jason!" Homer remarked.

Jason Voorhees shrugged his shoulders.

”Jesus? Muhammad? Buddha? Anyone? Please save me! I love you!” Homer cried.

However Marge saved the day by beeping her horn. The rhinoceros felt intimidated by the large vehicle and ran away.

"There it goes. Probably to eat someone's parents..." Oscar remarks. Bart frowns at him for being stupid.

The family check on Homer before they drive home.

”I’m fine. I had quite a scare though.”

In canon Fox holds him at gun point to say how good their shows are or something.

Plot 3[]

Anyhoo. It seemed despite his promise, Homer hadn’t sorted out his hatred of Ann Landers. Rather than merely calling her a boring old biddy ever so often, he wanted to kill her!

”Dad why are dressed as a ninja...” Lisa asked as Homer left the house one evening dressed as a ninja.

The end.

Epilogue[]

Deleted scenes and bloopers!

The Simpsons are running from the rhinoceroses.

"Jumanji!" Homer yells at the rhinoceroses. It doesn't work. "Doesn't anything from the movies actually work?!" Peter, Judy and Alan grimace at Homer's attempt to subdue the rhinoceroses by invoking Jumanji...

In Jumanji merged Springfield Zoo Homer tries kill the rhinoceroses with popcorn. Peter and Judy sweatdrop at his bizarre behaviour, especially when one of the rhinoceroses actually dies.

"Ibsen's gonna flip..." Peter sighed.

Then Homer argues with late Robin Williams over whose the better Genie. They then start strangling each other.

The Simpsons then go on the lion trail. However Homer wants to go off the trail. They pass Aunt Nora's car in a jungle area where Jumanji has merged with Springfield.

"Guys you're in the wrong cartoon..." Peter groans as Oscar waves at him as the Simpsons canyonero drives downhill.

At the scene where Homer is tossed into a portable toilet and nearly gored. He remarks how similar this scene is to Friday the thirteenth.

Jason shrugs his shoulders and mumbles when the camera pans on him.

Advertisement