Adventures in Baby-Getting Marge wants yet another baby and Homer not fixing a leaky faucet in the backyard causes a sinkhole and Marge’s car and Hugo get buried in flaming tires and cemented over when the hole is covered up.
Marge and Homer debate over having another baby. Homer really doesn’t want anymore and in canon Marge makes him out to be a horrible husband just because he doesn’t want to have lots of children and leech off welfare. And Bart is determined to find out where Lisa is going after school.
The titles are Itchy and Scratchy flying biplanes and shooting each other in a dogfight.
The couch gag is instead another short.
Homer Voting for Mitt Romney
Homer copies the opening to Treehouse of Horror XIX except this election it is between Obama and Romney. Presumably despite the vote rigging last time. Obama still won or in the Simpsons universe he gave it another try and McCain got impeached.
“Oh man... not another election! Oh why do we have to choose our leaders?” Homer whined as he walked down to the polling offices. “Isn’t that what we pay our Supreme Court to do?!”
”Hey if you don’t like it go to Russia!” Leela from Futurama yelled as she escorted Fry and Bender to the polling office to vote.
Grampa Simpson was waving a sign that read “I still like Ike.” Despite that he is dead and that Obama and Romney are the only candidates.
Homer went in. This time Rich Texan was chairing the polling station, instead of Crazy Old Jewish man. Kearney yet again voted despite being in school because there is this weird gag that he has been held back so much he is older than he looks.
“If you’re gonna vote, we’re gonna have to see some photo ID, Partner!” said Rich Texan the rich cowboy tycoon.
“But I’ve lived here all my life!” said Homer.
”You tell him, brother!” said a Somali refugee who apparently spent his entire life in the States never bothering to learn to speak English or study its history and won’t take a citizenship test because Muh rights! I was born here!
”Hey unlike you I am a genuine American.” said Homer.
”No you’re not!” said a Native American/Red Indian with a feathered headdress.
”D’oh!” Homer groaned.
(“Actually the first natives were Paleo-Indians who migrated over from northern Asia by crossing an ice sheet. Before humans, only Glyptodons or giant armadillos lived here.” said Hugo narrating)
“Stopping all Americans voting is for the protection of all Americans.” said Rich Texan.
“But I’m a Forty year old White Guy who didn’t go to college!” said Homer.
Oscar coughed an ahem! cough as he stood in line with his uncle Buck.
”Fine... didn’t graduate from college and only attended long into my adulthood after getting married and having children because I was under qualified for my job.” Homer sighed and corrected himself because continuity damn it! “And I get my news from monitors at the gas station.”
“Okay go in the double wide.” said Rich Texan letting him vote.
Homer went in the wheelchair user booth. The choices were Obama and Mitt Romney.
”Obama? I don’t know... I already got one wife telling me to eat healthy...” I had no idea healthy eating was one of Obama’s policies. “Plus he promised me death panels. And Grampa’s still alive.” Homer calls his own father “Grampa.” And that’s evil Homer! Shame on you!
“Mitt Romney? Well... I heard he wears magic underpants.” said Homer.
”Coooool!” said Oscar because he can hear Homer talking to himself in the booth.
“But I expect the leader of the free world to go commando!” said Homer. Not wear underwear basically.
“Plus his horse totally choked at the Olympics.” said Homer jabbering on.
“On the other hand he did invent Obama Care...” said Homer. No that was Obama you idiot!
”And knowing what happened last time I voted, this machine is probably rigged to only allow votes to Romney anyway so oh well...” said Homer voting for Romney.
”Death to righties!” That one bearded guy in the White L shirt from the Leftorium owner’s meeting yelled.
”Oh shut up!” Oscar yelled.
The voting booth spoke in a female tone. “Thank you for voting for Mitt Romney.” It printed out paper. “You May now see his tax returns.”
Homer read the tax returns. “Wow... medical deduction for personality transplant? He’s got six wives! All called Ann?!” Cooool! I bet he has all of them beheaded... “(gasp)! The government paid him taxes for five years! I have to tell the press!”
The Voting booth opened and a tube sucked him in again.
”Oh god no! Not again! Why does this keep happening to me!” Homer screamed.
“You are now being outsourced.” said the machine as it sucked him in.
“Oh I hate being sucked into tubes...” Homer whined.
He was sent to a sweatshop factory in China to do hard labour.
“Oh well, at least I have a steady job.” said Homer.
Selma was outsourced...
”D’oh Homer groaned. “Oh well... No boss can be as bad and cruel as Mr Burns...” said Homer.
”A hoy hoy! Me am chineeeeeese if you prease! Gleetings ferrow emproyees!” said Chinese Burns. Ouch that’s painful...
”We call ‘em Indian burns in the states...” Bart said over the narration.
”Ooooooooooh!” Homer screamed. “Oh well can’t get any worse.
Ned was outsourced by the voting booth.
”Why hi Diddly ho! Homerino!” said Ned in a friendly manner.
Homer screamed and got up from his work space and ran for the window and jumped out to kill himself. However he landed in the net laid out to stop worker’s committing suicide by jumping out the window.
”Oh Smithers... Ah so ah so! Another jumper...” said Chinese Burns.
”D’oh!” Homer groaned lying in the anti suicide net.
Adventures in Baby Getting
The main story starts one day in the backyard Marge is humming a tune while pouring in a sugary substance into the humming bird feeder and water. It foams up with a pink foam.
“Hummingbirds! Hum and get it! Ahehehehehe!” Marge giggled.
“Get out.” Ace told her to get off screen because she was not funny.
Hummingbirds chirp and land on the bird feeder and drink from it. They weigh it down as they get fatter and fatter.
Snowball II waits under the bird feeder meowing and flicking her tail waiting to catch and eat one of the hummingbirds. However a fat one falls on her head knocking her out. She yelps as she is knocked out.
The garden faucet that is used for the hose and sprinkler was dripping.
”Homer, the faucet is dripping.” Marge explained.
“I’ll get right on it.” said Homer lying in his non magical clone making hammock drinking a can of Duff beer.
It is now winter and the lawn is white with snow and one of Bart’s grotesque snow men is on the lawn.
Marge wrapped up in warm furry clothes and her breath visible from the cold sees the faucet has an icicle dripping from it.
”Homer, when are you going to fix this faucet?” Marge asked.
Homer is wrapped up warm in heavy winter clothes lying in his hammock drinking beer. The beer can is stuck to his lips because it is so cold. He pulls it off from his lips. “I’m on it! Sheesh!”
It is now spring. Blue flowers are growing everywhere. The faucet is still dripping.
”Homer, are you gonna fix this faucet or not?” Marge was annoyed now.
“For the third time this year... yes!” Homer yelled lying in his hammock drinking beer.
Marge grumbled annoyed.
A drop of water dropped out of the faucet like so many others before it and it went underground and down a channel worn in the Earth by the constant dripping, passing skeletons of the Tracy Ullman Shorts Simpsons and passing a skeleton of a T. rex with a caveman skeleton riding on top.
”Hey! Now cut that out! Imbeciles...” Hugo yelled popping on screen to get annoyed by this insult to palaeontology.
Then the drop fell into a reservoir of underground water. The earth underneath gave way and the water washed out. Leaving a hollow gap under Springfield. As an ominous theme plays...
Marge is driving the kids about.
”I’ll get to it Marge... I’ll get to it...” Marge muttered annoyed as she drove about. “When we first got married it would only take six months to do things!”
“Mom... how come you didn’t do my maths last night?” Bart whined looking at his homework which hadn’t been done.
”Now I know you’re just being Lazy Bart!” Lisa snapped. “Your teacher lives next door for goodness sake!”
Suddenly the road underneath them gave way,
”Aaaaaaaaaaagh!” They fell into a very deep sink hole.
Bart recovered from the fall first. “Oh no! Lisa’s face!” He gasped.
”It’s the same! A hahahahaha!” Bart laughed.
Lisa grumbled annoyed at him.
”We appear to fave fallen into a sink hole.” said Hugo.
”Everyone relax.” said Marge. “There’s an emergency sinkhole kit in here somewhere.” She looked in the glove compartment that contains different things simply because the pot demands so. She went through the disaster kits. There was an Earthquake kit. “No...” A Tsunami kit. Marge hmmmmmmed because that wasn’t what they needed. And a zombie apocalypse kit! Cooooool!
”Zombies! Braaaaaaaaains!” Oscar groaned like a zombie.
”Ah! Voila!” Marge found the sinkhole kit.
Marge took out a blue thing and pulled its cord and threw it. It inflated into a big staircase tall enough to allow them to climb out.
”Oh... we gotta climb stairs?! Forget it...” Bart groaned.
”No one is staying in the sink hole!” Marge nagged.
Bart sighed and got out. “Lousy surface dwellers...” Omg! He’s a Mole People! XD!
As they went to the inflatable staircase a police car fell into the hole and Wiggum got out.
He adjusted his belt. “So, what seems to be the problem, ma’am?”
“We’re in a sink hole, Chief...” said Marge.
Kent reported on the sink hole. Yadda yadda etc,
He was interviewing Comic Book Guy. “This sink hole is larger than the Sarlacc pit that swallowed Boba Fett but smaller than the Geonosis arena where Jango Fett was beheaded by Mace Windu!”
”Aren’t those places about the same size?!” Kent asked. No! The arena is far bigger than the great pit of Carkoon!
”I didn’t know this was an ambush!” said Comic Book Guy.
Then Kent went to Moe’s to interview Moe etc.
“Eh, you know, in this town you learn to adjust to things... Runaway monorails, Burlesque houses, the sun being blocked by a giant disk... faulty dams... walls of garbage... NASCAR Star Jeff Gordon.” said Moe.
”Hi Moe!” said Jeff Gordon walking past.
”Eh, bet you didn’t think we’d be seeing him ever again? Eh?” said Moe.
Barney then went home across the unsteady makeshift bridge Moe made but fell in the hole.
”Yeah, stay down there with the rest of the traitors!” Moe yelled.
”That hole better get sorted... Oscar’s already making 300 references...” Homer sighed.
At the edge of the sink hole King Leonidas from 300 was threatening a Persian messenger.
”No man! No one threatens a messenger!” The messenger begged.
”You bring me the heads of conquered kings! You threaten my people with slavery and death! And you insult my queen! Oh I have my words carefully, Persian... perhaps you should have done so as well...” snarled King Leonidas.
“You’re a mad man! A mad man!” The Persian messenger yelled.
”A mad maaaaaan!” Bender screamed.
”This is blasphemy! This is madness!” The Persian messenger yelled.
”Madness... THIS IS SPAAAAAAARTTTTAAAAA!” King Leonidas screamed and kicked the Persian messenger into the sink hole.
Bart sweat dropped as he sat in the class room at school.
At Home as the watched the news. The Simpsons saw Wiggum had gotten out of the pit and proposed a solution to the sink hole. “We propose that we handle this problem with another, by bulldozing all the flaming tires from the tire fire into the hole.”
They do so as bulldozers push loads of flaming tires into the hole.
Marge gasps horrified because her car was still down there. “My car!”
Flaming tires pour into the hole burying her car.
”Mom!” Hugo was in her car still trying to get out.
”My baby!” Marge gasped.
”Oh well.... good riddance...” said Homer.
Oscar angrily threw a lamp at him.
”Ow! What the?!” Homer cried in pain.
”And Marge! How could you leave him down there!?” Oscar said annoyed.
”I didn’t know he was still in the car!” said Marge.
The tires in the hole were covered with tarmac and cement as a new road was built on top.
Marge and Oscar gasped.
”We have conquered the hole with its worst fear... filling it with stuff...” said Mayor Quimby.
Every kid cheered as they left school and got on the bus.
“So just as my dad finishes his online degree in sinkhole engineering. They go and fill it in!” said Milhouse to Bart.
“Are the credits transferable?” Bart asked.
“No...” said Milhouse.
”That Guy has a bone to pick with the board of regents.” said Bart.
Lisa was going about sneaky and did not get on the school bus as she went off somewhere.
”Hey, Lisa’s not getting on the bus!” said Bart.
“Where she going?” asked Milhouse.
”I dunno.” said Bart as Lisa went off somewhere where Bart couldn’t see her. “Dork farm? Who cares...”
”She never doesn’t do what she’s supposed to do! This is major!” said Milhouse.
“Fine... We’ll follow her...” said Bart.
“Well, if they ain’t getting on the boss. Neither am I!” said Otto getting off of the bus while the handbrake is off so it rolls off down the road.
“Yaaaaaaay! I’m going to a accident!” Ralph cheered.
”I had an accident!” Oscar grinned explaining he wet his diaper. “Now to drive us all into Carlos’s immune system! The magic school bus! Doo doo doo!” He took the wheel of the bus and sung The Magic School BUs theme while driving somewhere.
Bart and Milhouse hiding in the bushes saw Lisa taking a cab.
”She’s taking a cab?! I’m worried! Does she even know how much to tip?!” Milhouse asked.
The cab drove off when Lisa shut the door. But a piece of paper fell out. Bart decided to read it.
“What’s it say?” Milhouse asked.
”The five boxing wizards jump quickly.” said Bart. “Whoa! My sister suddenly became mildly interesting...”
Milhouse grinned. “Sounds like a case for the Detecti-pals!” That sounds so lame... “Taxi!” He flags down a taxi but it just ignores him. “Ooooooh... they never stop for blue heads...”
Bart’s Mom, Marge was on the other side of the road trying to take a cab. She waved one down but it ignored her and continued rushing past making her spin until she was dizzy. “Oh you inconsiderate! I need to take a cab into town to take my daughter for her check up! My car was buried under the sink hole!” Marge ranted.
”Get a bus...” said cabbies.
Marge went to a car garage to buy a new car, as you do...
”What about that All terrain vehicle Dad bought that he was mocked for because it turned out to be a ladies car...” said Bart.
”Ooooooh! Stupid continuity!” said Marge.
”Respect the continuity!” Comic Book Guy yelled.
In town was a traffic jam of angry people honking their horns.
”Move it ass hole!” People yelled etc.
”Oooooh! Cool your jets...” Oscar replied as he wore industrial headphones a Bob the builder hat and was operating a jackhammer. He was digging up the road covering the sink hole.
”You are not licensed to perform road works!” A man yelled.
”A boy’s life is at stake here!” Oscar yelled.
Suddenly the ground shook violently and cracked. Oscar shut off the jackhammer and ran to the sidewalk as Hugozilla bursted out of the road growling.
”Hugey!” Oscar squealed.
”Elementary, my dear Oscar.” said Hugo returned back to normal from his Hugozilla form. “Wow that Monster serum worked like a charm!”
”Yeah but now everyone is annoyed they can’t use the road...” said Oscar.
A line of cars honked their horns and the drivers shouted and swore.
Marge bought a car the sleazy salesman tried to charge an extra 4,000 for because he thought she was single because she was buying the car for herself.
”I will be speaking with your manager!” Marge said annoyed at him conning her.
”I am the manager...” said the guy.
Marge stormed off angry.
She went to buy a car from Old Gil.
Like the beginning of Diatribes of a mad housewife. Homer is at Krusty burger being gluttonous as usual.
“Let’s see... I’ll have 16 gravy scrape ‘ems, a bucket of twisty lard, and two super chicken burritos with macho sauce.” Macho sauce was probably very spicy...
“And mega size it!” Homer added.
”I can deep fry the bag too, sir...” said Squeaky Voiced Teen.
”Brilliant!” said Homer. “Oh and to drink. A diet cola. I am watching my weight!”
Squeaky Voiced Teen sighed.
”Deep fried.” Homer wanted his diet cola deep fried...
Homer got his order of loads of unhealthy things like burgers and unknown meat nuggets etc.
However he tried arranging everything on his lap but there was no room for the donut. “Oh! Out of lap!” He stupidly decided to lie down on his back while driving just so he could rest all his food on himself and eat.
However when he bit into his super chicken burrito with Macho sauce it splattered all over the windscreen. “Oh no! I’ll have to drive via the reflection in my watch! Ooooh.”
Then his phone rang. He stupidly answered it.
”Yello? Oh hi honey! No dear I’m not driving... That’s wonderful news sweetie! Yes I know you miss your orange car...” said Homer.
Lou saw Homer driving. “Chief that man is lying down while driving and he’s on a cell phone!” said Lou.
Wiggum was asleep. “Eh? No Sarah I’ll have my eggs sunny side up.,,”
Lou sighed. Why so I bother... he thought.
Homer got home after causing numerous road accidents to ride about in Marge’s new car.
“Wow... I gotta hand it to you Marge... You got the exact amount of car for our family!” said Homer. “Room for two adults, three children and zero Grampas!” He paused “And no Hugos, Oscars or Erics!”
Oscar and Hugo were water skiing but road skiing on Oscar’s skateboard as he held onto a rope attached to Marge’s car. Hugo had Eric in a baby sling while holding onto Oscar. “You’re an ass...” said Oscar annoyed at Homer.
“Mmmmm hmmm...” Marge agreed. “Oh! I hear rattling! Do any of you hear rattling?”
”No...” said Bart, Lisa etc.
”What is that smell?” Marge smelt something.
”I believe it’s new car smell...” said Lisa.
”Well I don’t like it!” said Marge.
”Marge you liked it when it was a flavour of Science Water...” said Oscar.
”Will you shut up?!” Homer yelled.
”I’ll rectify this sweetie.” said Homer. They stopped, Homer got out and came back with two hotdogs. He bit one and wafted them about the car so it smelt of hotdogs. Then he threw the one he didn’t start eating out the window.
”Hey don’t waste food!” Oscar yelled picking up the hotdog. “Here you go Hugey, I’m sorry it ended up on the floor and gravely and dirty.”
”That’s okay. No matter.” said Hugo eating the dirty hotdog.
Homer growled at Oscar for undermining him by being nice to Hugo.
“I can still smell it...” said Marge.
Homer lit and smoked cigars. Making the kids cough.
”That’s better...” said Marge.
Then Marge realised there was nothing wrong with the car she had one of her stupid urges and broodiness. “Homer I want another baby!”
homer spat out his coffee. “No! Absolutely no way! We already have three kids. Five if we count the freak and Eric. And there’s Oscar living with us so that’s six, that would be really irresponsible! We do not have the room or money!”
”Oh of course forget it...” said Marge.
”Yeah Mom it’s not fair you can insist of having another baby because you’re broody yet I can ask for a baby brother... Thank goodness Dad forgot to wear a condom that night in Oh Brother, Where Bart Thou?.” said Bart.
”Okay okay! I said forget it! It was a stupid and irresponsible wish anyway. Like your father said...” said Marge.
”Marge we do not need another baby... you have Stinky...” said Homer.
”Homer don’t call Maggie that!” Marge scolded him. “And she’s not a baby, baby... her soft sport on her skull has hardened for months now!”
Homer grumbled annoyed and showed Eric to her.
”Goo!” Eric cooed.
”Fine... no more babies... I need a distraction away from the kids... take me out Homie...”
”Okay but we need a babysitter.” said Homer. He somehow found a babysitter hotline that hadn’t banned them.
”She’s an ‘83 Yugo...” said the hotline manager assigning a Yugoslavian woman to look aft their kids.
”I would have preferred a ‘83 Hugo...” said Oscar.
”Shut up!” Homer yelled.
A fat elderly and sour faced Yugoslavian lady arrived wearing a cloth across her shoulders and a head scarf. Homer and Marge explained everything for her.
(Yugoslavian accent.) “I don’t do laundry or kiss boo boos...” said the babysitter.
”Okay she’s fired. Get someone else Homer...” said Oscar sharply.
”No, now be good for.... There is no way I am even attempting to pronounce that surname Muriel...” said Homer insisting on the babysitter. They left their kids with the babysitter to go out and keep Marge’s mind off of the kids.
They got to Gulp N Blow when Marge’s new car decided to be a lemon. In the automotive sense of the word, not the sour yellow citrus fruit. Which means be unreliable and break down a lot.
”Oooooh! It won’t start!” Marge grunted.
”Don’t worry dear! Let Automobile Von Bismarck give it a try!” said Homer. Otto Von Bismarck the former chancellor of Prussia arrived from the sky as a transformer! A car based transformer.
”Now author that’s just silly...” said Marge.
”Just ignore him Marge...” said Homer.
Eventually they got the car working because nothing was wrong with it, it was just being a lemon or it had vapour lock.
Meanwhile at home, the babysitter turned out to be Ms Botz in yet another elaborate disguise.
”Aaaaaaaagh! Ms Botz!” The Simpson kids screamed. And so did Oscar. They ran through the house in a Scooby Doo Chase with the corridor chase...
Oscar stopped mid chase to hold up a placard that read in black ink: “Silly, isn’t it?” Before continuing the chase.
Homer and Marge had a romantic dinner. But Marge felt broody seeing a heavily pregnant woman.
”No Marge! It will destroy all life on Earth as we know it!’ said Homer being dramatic.
”Hmmmmm... I highly doubt that.,, but okay... no more babies... no more babies...” Marge replied reminding herself that it was a very bad idea to want more children.
In Canon she is a lot more insistent in having a baby until she sees all the sperm Homer donated ended up as baby Homers. And I’m pretty sure in some fanon this is where Eric is born.
Meanwhile Ms Botz tied Bart, Lisa, Maggie and Oscar up only to find she had ran out of rope. “Whoops! I’m gonna need more rope!” she said with a smirk.
”Ha ha... very funny...” said Lisa sarcastically. Bart muffled because he had gaffe tape stuck across his mouth so he couldn’t speak.
”If you’re trying to scare me with this tie up and gaffe tape my mouth shut thing Ms Botz, I’m sorry to disappoint you... this doesn’t scare me. In fact I find it kinky...” said Oscar.
Ms Botz screamed and ran away.
”Phew. Hugo untie us please.” said Lisa.
”She’s great with knots and diabolical schemes. I should really try the whole tie everyone to chairs thing...” said Hugo smirking evilly as he untied them.
”Ouch!” Bart yelped as Hugo took off the tape from his mouth. “That is not funny Hugo...”
”I wasn’t trying to be funny...” Hugo said sharply. That worried Bart.
Bart was reading Lisa’s note on Boxing wizards.
”Boxing Wizards, Boxing Wizards...” he asked himself as he snooped about Lisa’s bedroom going through her things. He saw in her wardrobe her Jake Boyman outfit and rolled his eyes. Suddenly he heard Mom and Dad coming upstairs giggling and in a sexy mood after getting home from the restaurant. Bart hid, but they just went straight to their room.
”Boxing wizards... Boxing wizards...” he said looking into her saxophone and under her bed. “What’s she up to...?”
He imagines in a thought cloud Malicious Krubb and Angelica Button in a duel.
”Let’s settle this like adults. Wands down.” said Malicious Krubb. Malicious and Angelica put on boxing gloves and spar. Malicious beats the absolute shit out of poor Angelica. Yeah that’s fair a grown man fighting a little girl in a boxing match...
”Maybe I should go on antipsychotic pills...” said Bart thinking that thought was weird.
“Bart! What are you doing in my room?!” Lisa yelled running in. Ah the old annoy your sibling by being in their personal room.
”Jumping on your bed? Breaking Mr Homeybunny then realising he was my toy?” Bart lister. Lisa frowned at him. “Giving the curious bear cub in your painting of him and Yendor a piece of my mind for constantly sniffing my crotch?” Lisa didn’t believe he was there for any of those reasons. “... I was lowering your blinds. I’d hate for your carpet to fade...”
“What are you doing Tuesdays and Thursdays after school!?” Bart was suddenly interrogating her.
”what do you do Tuesday and Thursday after school?” Lisa asked.
“Same thing I always do... write stupid stuff on the chalkboard...” said Bart. “And if you have any ideas... I’m really running out...”
”How can you run out of ideas for chalkboard gags?!” Lisa asked.
“Well today’s was Mousetraps are not slippers, or something.” said Bart.
Snap! Snap! ”Yeeeeeooooow!” Oscar arrived with his feet in large mousetraps.
Bart sweat dropped.
“Now what are you up to!” Bart demanded from Lisa.
“A gentleman doesn’t ask, a lady doesn’t tell...” said Lisa smugly.
“Can I use that on the chalkboard?” Bart asked.
“I guess...” Lisa replied why not?
”Gentleman doesn’t ask, Lady doesn’t tell.” Bart made a note on a notepad.
“Now I need one for Martin Luther King day...” said Bart as he left.
Just to make sure, Marge took Homer to have his stuntmen (Sperm) checked.
”Ahehehehehe! I’m sorry Marge... it’s not good...” said Dr Hibbert.
Homer looked down the microscope and saw lots of dead sperm with Homer heads.
”X’s for eyes... well that’s that. I nuked all of them...” said Homer. He was infertile from radiation at the plant. He knew something wasn’t right when they kept bumping into each other. But he put that down to being as stupid as he was.
Marge sighed. This was it. No more children ever.
In Bart’s treehouse one afternoon.
”Lisa’s going somewhere after school two days a week, and all we’ve have are boxing wizards.” said Bart with a blackboard that reads: “The five boxing wizards jumped quickly.”
“If we’re gonna find out what Lisa’s up to, I’m gonna need the help of all her old boyfriends...” said Bart to Ralph, Milhouse and Nelson. “Who also happen to be my band mates in Party Posse.”
“Guess we’ve all carried the same books, eh guys?” said Milhouse sheepishly.
“Pffffft! She carried mine...” said Nelson.
“This just became a treehouse of horrors.” said Milhouse storming off. Suddenly a spontaneous lightning storm happened outside for effect and evil laughter.
Hugo sat in the corner laughed evilly as the gremlin scuttled about.
”Arooooooooo! Diddly!” said Werewolf Ned howling.
”Oh look what you done!” Bart yelled. “No! We’ve already had Halloween!” Everything went back to normal and Hugo crawled down the secret ladder.
Milhouse continued walking he fell from the tree house screaming. The boys went to see if he was alright.
”I’m okay! I landed on a mattress!” said Milhouse. He had actually landed on Bart’s Grampa.
Cheerful old fashioned music played as Bart and Lisa’s ex boyfriends spied on Lisa wherever she went.
in the park. Bart had a Playdude magazine over his face with the boobs cut out for his eyes too look through. So the lady on the front had eyes for boobs. He looked around suspiciously until a scantily dressed woman in a bikini who was the exact one from the magazine cover arrived with enormous cartoon eyes for breasts. Bart ran off screaming when he saw her.
Lisa passed the Crouching Panda, Hidden Egg Roll Chinese restaurant with dead ducks in the window. Milhouse was hanging upside down pretending to be a dead marinated duck. After Lisa left the Chinese restaurant owners wife picked out Milhouse to cook.
Lisa passed a block of bungalows on top of each other with a communal cellar trapdoor. Nelson and Ralph were standing on it wearing old peaky caps and moustaches. They watched her leaving off to go somewhere.
Lisa got on a lift that took her underground. Nelson and Ralph ran towards it but it had already gone down. She left a note.
It read: “Sphinx V of black quartz. Judge my now.” I added the V for five because she forgot the v!
”Why thanks Author!” said Lisa running down an underground tunnel somewhere.
Party Posse gathered up as the old fashioned music ended.
”Whatever it is she is in way over her head...” said Milhouse. “Way over.”
”Also she forgot a V in that one. It’s all the letters in the alphabet in one sentence...” said Hugo.
“We’ve gotta save that poor girl!” said Bart concerned for Lisa. He looked around lost. “Uh anyone know how we get home?”
“We’ve got bigger problems!” said Nelson opting at a scary catholic priest from Ireland heading towards them. “It’s Father Mike!” Father Mike whoever he was was menacingly patting his crucifixes beads in his hand while glaring at them as Too ra loo ra loo ra... was sung.
”Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!” The boys screamed and fled the scary priest for some reason.
Marge in canon discovered Homer had been donating his sperm in his youth to pay for her pearl necklace.
”Homer there’s still a chance!’ said Marge.
”Homer say something! Tell her you don’t want another baby!” said Homer’s Brain.
”I hope it’s twins sweetie!” said Homer.
”D’oh!” said his brain.
”How horrible can that be...” he told his brain.
In a thought cloud he imagined the twin babies as Patty and Selma. Imaginary Homer screamed.
“Wait I know exactly how this will pan out...” said imaginary Homer holding the Patty and Selma babies. In his thinking cloud was a Homer holding baby Bart and Baby Hugo. Baby Hugo had and evil look in his eyes as he pulled out a knife. Homer screamed.
”Oh god! They’re both horrible scenarios!” Real Homer screamed.
They then went for a drive to giant novelty shops that look like what they sell. They passed a coffeehouse cafe that looked like a giant roadside cafe’s coffee jug. With tea cup houses!! XD! And the giant chair of Edith Ann!
”And that’s the truth! Rtzzzzzzzzz!” said Edith Ann making a rude sound with her tongue. “Errrr.... I’d like to get down now... guys....?”
Then a Giant pie with a giant strawberry on top. Then a giant Christmas bauble!
”Oooooooh! Can we stop here and look at the Christmas ornaments?” Marge asked.
”Okay but we need to make time for the giant birthday cake with candles, the Fudgerama, the zipper hole Hall of fame, snow globe world and the Taj Meatball.” said Homer. He pointed to an Indian themed meatball restaurant.
”I’m sure that Shiva used to be Paul Bunyan...” said Marge.
There was an obvious Paul Bunyan with extra arms stuck on.
Party Posse were looking at the riddle. “Sphinx V of black quartz. Judge my now. Hugo had added the V
”Okay we need to look for a black Sphinx dedicated to the pharaoh Ramesses V.” said Oscar.
”Oz I think there is a deeper riddle here than that...” Bart sighed.
”No one ever goes with what I want...” Oscar whined.
”What is Detention doing here?” Nelson asked because Skinner was with them.
”I want to find out where Lisa is swanning off to as well! If her grades slip we are no longer a school... technically we’d only be a tornado shelter with voting booths...” said Skinner.
”Hmmmmmm...Nothing exceptional here... except blue binder reinforcements!” said Skinner. “There is only one person I know who uses these! My predecessor Principal Meredith Milgram!”
The boys gasp.
“Follow me boys, but be warned. There is no permission slip for what we’re doing...”
They were outside a house.
“A quick movement of the enemy, will jeopardise six gunboats.” said a woman’s voice from inside the house.
“That’s about three more jeopardised gunboats than I’d expect.” Milhouse whispered to the boys and Skinner.
Thank god we brought the bus driver.” said Skinner.
”Uh?” Otto was confused as to why he was there.
SKinner knocked on Principal Milgram’s door.
”Seymour?” Principal Milgram asked. “What are you doing here?”
“Taking four children across town to investigate a piece of paper we found on the ground.” said Skinner handing over the piece of paper with the Sphinx riddle on it.
“Don’t you have better things to do?” Principal Milgram sighed.
”Sadly no.” said Skinner.
“Same old Seymour...” said Principal Milgram.
”I know they’re here.” Lisa sighed coming to the door. “Because they can’t let me have a secret. It drives them crazy...”
”Says the snitch of a little sister who can’t let me have a secret!” Bart retorted.
”Bart all your secrets you don’t want Mom and Dad to know about are stupid and irresponsible things you’ve done! Like keep a dolphin in the bath tub!” Lisa yelled.
We cut to a dolphin squeaking and splashing around in the bath tub at the Simpsons house.
Lisa guided them into Milgram’s house. “Cursive writing.I am learning cursive.” said Lisa.
“Ooooooooh! Like Hell, Damn, Fu-“ said Bart.
”No! You imbecile! Cursive! Not cursing! It means joined up writing!” Lisa yelled. “All these sentences contain every letter of the alphabet in them.” said Lisa. Oscar coughed. “Except Sphinx of black quartz, judge my now. Which is missing a V. Thank you Oz and Hugo for being so sad as to find that...”
”Plus it’s nonsensical. Judge my now? It should be judge me now...” said Hugo.
”Yes but then there’d be no y!” said Lisa.
”So put Ivy Sphinx of black quartz, judge me now.” said Hugo.
”Oh my god you’re even more pedantic and finicky than myself! You should totally be here instead of me!” said Lisa.
“No thanks. Geniuses that brag about their overachieving and take part in after school clubs, tend to get beaten up... a lot...” said Hugo. “I’d rather keep my genius to myself.”
“Ooooh! Do they teach those fancy squiggles in school?” Otto asked.
“Uh we do not. Outmoded, no room in the budget. (Ie you’re tight fisted because your mom keeps your wages and gives you an allowance...) and all the teachers forgot how to write a capital Q.” said Skinner.
“Two loops and a flourish.” said Principal Milgram.
”That explains why I was put in a remedial class at Cypress Creek.” said Bart.
”Haw Haw!” Nelson laughed.
“Luckily a few brave students still want to learn.” said Principal Milgram.
“I hope you’re happy. You all just wasted your time working yourselves into an after school class...” said Lisa smugly.
“Aaaaaaaaaagh!” Bart, Milhouse, Oscar, Hugo, Ralph and Nelson screamed.
”Oh what fun!” said Skinner.
It is sunset at the giant novelty store road.
”Oh my we’ve been gone all day!” said Marge.
”Yeah, I tried every flavour of candy cane. Red and white...” said Homer sucking a candy cane.
”Oh my god! Stop eating my bones!” Elfo from Disenchantment cried missing an arm.
”Enough of the candy canes are elf bones chalkboard gag...” Bart sighed in a cut away panel.
”Hmmmmmm... we should really book into a hotel...” said Marge looking at an igloo hotel.
”What?! And get done for child neglect and abandonment?! No way! We better head home before the fans question why we left the kids alone all day!” Homer yelled.
Maggie and Eric started a small house fire because no one was looking after them!
Grampa was still lying in the backyard after Milhouse fell on him.
And the mystery of that scary Irish catholic priest Father Mike was never ever solved as to why he is threatening Bart and his friends!
Lisa when she got home from Milgram’s got out the fire extinguisher and put out the fires Maggie and Eric started. Bart, Hugo and Oscar came in.
”Good. Take a mop and help clean up the mess Maggie and Eric caused being left on their own all day because our parents are stupidly irresponsible now and only driven by romantic days out alone and sex...” said Lisa.
”Those selfish old! Let’s stalk em again like we did in Catch em if you can!” said Bart.
”You boys go... I have Cursive writing to do...” said Lisa.
Bart rolled his eyes.
Lisa went to her room, there was a small nursery blackboard and on it she wrote in chalk, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.”
”Apparently all my cursive examples are Pangrams now...” said Lisa. She got out her notes with blue reinforcements and tried writing the Pangram in Cursive.
“Sphinx of black quartz. Judge my vow.”
“Waltz, bad nymph! For quick jigs vex!”
“When zombies arrive, quickly fax Judge Pat.”
”Quizzical twins prove my hijack-bug fix.”
Meanwhile Marge and Homer got home to the kids tidying.
”Even the boys are tidying! What gives?” Homer asked.
”What give Dad is why did you leave us alone again all day?!” said Hugo.
”Don’t take that gone with me! Grampa was looking after you!” said Homer.
”Grampa can’t sit on a pin let alone look after us and make sure Maggie doesn’t start any fires...” said Hugo.
”Ooooooh! Matt stop this laziness! And write properly!” Marge cried.
”Okay fine!” Matt yelled. He won’t. These episodes will get more and more nonsensical....
Once they got Grampa inside, Lisa finishing her cursive homework got the best of Mom and Dad’s outing.
”Guys... yes Mom and Dad should have left us with a qualified babysitter that’s not Grampa or Ms Botz in a disguise. But they need time off away from us... I suggest If Aunt Patty and Selma are free they can babysit while Mom and Dad, you enjoy yourselves.”
”Ooooooh! Thanks sweetie!” said Mom kissing Lisa on the head.
”How could you!? Patty and Selma?!” Bart cried annoyed.
”Bart we need a babysitter who can lay down the law so you don’t cause utter chaos again and Maggie doesn’t set the house on fire...” said Lisa.
Marge rang up her sister’s while Homer took his Dad home deciding he was once and truly off of their contacts list for babysitters as he was too feeble and senile now.
Very soon Patty and Selma arrived with Ling Ling and it was safe to leave the kids in their care, so Marge and Homer drove off to giant novelty items shop lane.
The haggard, chain smoking spinsters despite being sour faced and grumpy all the time, loved their nieces and nephews, even if they hugged them too tight, bored the socks off of Bart or grossed out Lisa with their habits and feet and hairy legs.
Bart and Lisa struggles as Selma hugged them too tightly.
”Now our little bumpkins... it’s five o clock. Time for singing since the Bouviers are a long old French family even though we’ve never spoke French in our entire lives...” said Patty coughing as she smoked a cigarette.
The Simpson kids sighed as they lined up with their cousin Ling Ling who strangely is already older than Maggie even though she was born later than her at some point before Goo Goo Gai Pan. They took a breath and when Patty and Selma said so, they sang Frere Jacques.
Oscar who didn’t have to sing because he is not a Simpson was upstairs playing Bonestorm when he heard Bart, Lisa, Hugo etc singing Frere Jacques. He smirked and put cotton balls in his ears laughing hysterically at their customs.
In the boulevard of giant novelty stores Homer and Marge went to Fudgerama, a Futurama themed fudge store. Could be worse thought Homer. Could be a gay slang named fudge store...
They went inside and and Bender was now made of chocolate fudge instead of metal.
”Bite my fudgey brown ass!” He yelled.
”Uh no thanks...’ said Homer. “You were just dying to write that... weren’t you... narrator...”
At night after they spent all evening in the fudge store except for going to a giant pizza to eat pizza. Marge and Homer booked into the igloo hotel and Marge mistook a stuffed walrus teddy for Homer.
”Okay move aside wing man...” said Homer taking the walrus teddy and putting it on the floor to make out with his wife.
In canon Marge was still obsessed with having another baby and driving the family into poverty, or leeching off of the state on child benefits because no one told her to keep her legs shut! Anyway she was stupidly broody and wouldn’t accept her husband may not want more kids angrily sent him to sleep on the couch even though she’s in the wrong for constantly and in an irresponsible manner desiring more and more babies.
And by couch I mean the dog house. A lonely divorcee men’s hotel where they give customers checking in a dog bowl and a bone to chew. Homer tried explaining to the divorced men he was still happily married his wife was just stupidly pissed off at him over her baby obsession.
”I want more babies!!” Marge screamed.
”Where were you Mom in Season 21’s Oh Brother, Where Bart Thou??” Bart asked.
Luckily at the sperm clinic Marge saw all of the babies born ended up as baby Homers... she screamed horrified. She loved Homer but flooding the next generation with himself was too much. And having a baby exactly like him put her off having children especially after she thought of that time in How I Wet Your Mother when he was wearing diapers.
Baby Homer Jr or Hoju was humming to striptease music while untaping and taping his diaper up and undoing the tapes repeatedly in rhythm while dancing.
”Aaaaaaaaaagh! Okay no more babies! Homie I love you as my darling husband but raising a baby dependant you just makes me sick! How does your mother cope?!” Marge cringed.
”Because a mother’s love is certain and never wavers Marge!” said Mona being there on their romantic trip out for some reason.
”Let’s go home sweetie. And uh maybe work on your kink shaming...” said Homer.
In Canon the episode went to the same conclusion, they shouldn’t have more babies. However I found it stupid because I was rooting for canon baby Eric. I want Eric to be canon damnit! Canon Homer explained the advantages of having just three kids was that they could sneak into the 3D drive in cinema and not have to buy tickets and 3D glasses by them hiding in the boot.
The Canon Simpsons park up and let the kids out of the boot when the coast is clear. Bart, Lisa and Maggie are wearing 3D movie glasses.
Fred Flintstone and his family and his friends the Rubbles got in for free because Squeaky Voiced Teen just couldn’t handle an under dressed family in a car made of stone bringing a pet dinosaur. It wasn’t in his job description so he let them in.
As the canon episode ends with Homer sneaking his kids in for free a family with eight babies that all resemble Homer pull up with the babies in baby car seats.
”D’oh!!” Homer and the babies grunt.
Meanwhile my fanon....
Fanon Homer whined because he could not fit Bart, Lisa, Hugo, Oscar, Maggie, Eric, Tiny Tim and Tiny Tim’s crutches into the boot of the car no matter how hard he tried.
”Ow! Dad! Hugo won’t fit!” Bart whined as they were crushed tight in the boot.
”Oh no!! We’ll have to... pay for all of you!! Oooooooooooh!” Homer whined.
”Ha ha ha ha!” Canon Homer laughed at him.