A Star is Burns Springfield is becoming unpopular again so this time the town suggests a film festival and who to judge everyone's home made movies then the only Jay Sherman from The Critic.
“Hello Springfield. This is Kent Brockman with the evening news. Springfield has its own answer to the Benedict Monks, the Rapping Rabbis!” said Kent.
there were rabbis rapping.
”Never eat pork! Not even with a fork!” rapped the rabbis. “Shalom!”
”Can’t touch this!” said one of the rapping rabbis pointing to some pork.
Oscar and Jurkle laughed hysterically.
”It’s funny because it’s true!” Jurkle cried with laughter.
”I don’t know why I’m laughing! But that’s hilarious! Rapping rabbis...ahahaha!” Oscar chuckled.
”Marge are we Jewish?” Homer asked Marge.
”No dear...” said Marge.
”Woohoo!” Homer cheered and got out from hammer space a suckling pig in a plate and cut it with a sharp knife and fork and ate it. Jurkle glared at him.
”What? You wanted some?” Homer asked.
”No! Your being heinous towards my religion!” Jurkle snapped.
”Homer! Jews can’t eat pig!” Oscar snapped. “It’s not kosher!”
Kent Brockman explains that Springfield is portrayed as a disgusting dump with a freedom hating mascot.
”And primitive views on science thanks to our powerful church...” said Kent.
”I keep telling you people, the Earth revolves around the sun....” Lisa exasperated explained to the townsfolk.
”Burn her!” Moe yelled.
”She’s a witch!” Helen gasped.
“What a story...” said Kent.
”Ach! You’ve stolen my soul!” said Willie to devil Ned.
”Mwu-diddly who ahahahahaha!” Devil Flanders laughed evilly.
”And woefully lacking in culture...” said Kent.
”Eleanor, we have got to do something about this depression!” said Krusty in a stage performance as Franklin D Roosevelt confined to a wheelchair. He got up while speaking then realised. “Oh wait, I’m a cripple! Hehehehe! Whoops!” He sat down in the wheelchair again.
”We have to do something! We’ll lose tourists!” said Marge.
”Oh no! Who will buy my maps to celebrity’s houses!?” Homer gasped.
A man was bothering Moe.
”Are you Drew Barrymore.
”What the?! I just woke up! Get outta here!” Moe yelled.
”Sorry Miss Barrymore!” said the man.
”What the?!” Moe gasped.
”If it’s any consolation Moe... I thought you were Michael Barrymore...” said Oscar.
”Get off of my property!” Moe yelled.
Mayor Quimby holds a meeting for suggestions. Bart uses the opportunity to trick the people with a slideshow of extreme close ups of his butt. After Bart is dragged off stage by goons someone suggests something sensible, a movie festival.
"Who will judge these films?" Lenny asks.
"Ah hoy hoy." Mr Burns volunteers.
"As the town's favourite TV clown, I know entertainment when I see it..." Krusty volunteers.
"Stand aside harlequin, I, Comic book Guy shall be the judge!" Comic book Guy stands up.
"You can all be judges..." Mayor Quimby sighs as he bangs his gavel.
”Now on other news, converting over to the Metric system as we’re the only state still using Imperial...” said Mayor Quimby.
”The metric system is the spawn of Satan! My car takes forty rods to the hogshead, and that’s the way I like it!” Abe yelled.
At home The Simpsons are watching a film review show hosted by Jay Sherman. He is reviewing McBain's Rainer Wolfcastle's material including him as a kid singing a folk song and him on stage with his Grampa, a Nazi camp guard and Rainer makes a foolish remark against homosexuals, making the crowd angry at him. Jay cuts the video with a dry remark.
"Wow, he burned that awful Home Alone 5!" Homer gasped.
"Well, he certainly knows good films from bad ones. And such witty remarks..." Marge replies.
”And here we have Charles Bronson in Deathwish, IX...” said Jay Sherman.
”I wish I was dead... Oy!” said the actor Charles Bronson. Not the other Charles Bronson..,
Later that evening she writes to Jay Sherman.
In New York, Jay Sherman receives Marge's letter and reads it.
"Hmmmm, now do I really want to leave New York..." Jay ponders. However Rainer Wolfcastle appears.
"I just realised you insulted me! Now prepare to die!" Rainer pulls a machine gun on him.
"Erm, your shoelaces are untied." Jay explains.
"They don't appear to be from up hear, but I shall bend down to check..." Rainer bends down to check his laces for a while.
Jay calls for a taxi and gets in. "To Springfield!" The taxi drives away.
Several hours later, Rainer suddenly realised he was wearing loafers...
The Simpsons meet Jay Sherman at the airport.
Homer is holding a sign that says “Simpson”.
“Homer it’s suppose to have Jay’s surname on it!” Marge explained.
“Oops! I’ll fix this! There you- D’oh!” He rubbed out Simpson but wrote Simpson again instead of Sherman. “Here we- D’oh!” He wrote Simpson again.
Jay Sherman arrives at the Simpsons house.
"Mr Sherman!" The Simpsons gasp. They welcome him in.
“Mr Sherman I love watching your show! I think every kid should watch it!” said Bart pretending to be a fan. He then shivered in disgust. “I feel so dirty!”
“Thanks Bart.” said Jay Sherman.
At dinner they are having pork chops.
"Win any awards, Mr Sherman?" Lisa asks.
"Well, I may have won some Pulitzer Prizes... Oh it's hot in here..." he takes off his sweater. "Oh there they are." He's wearing the medals around his neck. "Then there's my people's choice award...(Pulls out a trophy... my 5 golden globes... (takes off his shoes and 5 golden globe awards are kicked out of from his trouser leg.) Where's my Emmy?" He asks before Santa's little helper coughs up the trophy. "Thank you." Jay places it on the table.
Everyone cheers except Homer.
"Oh yeah... well I got this at work for winning a belching competition!" Homer explained before rudely belching in Jay's face. The kids laugh.
"Touché, Homer." Jay replies before belching extremely loudly and for a long time. It sets off car alarms down the street.
Everyone cheers and Bart gives Homer's trophy to Jay.
"Wow! How many Pulitzer Prize winners can do that?" Lisa asks.
"Just me and Eudora Welty." Jay replies.
Eventually only one pork chop is left. Homer and Jay argue over it with their stomachs growling like dogs.
"Homer, Jay's the guest, so he gets it." Marge gives the pork chop to Jay Sherman.
After dinner they are watching TV when the doorbell rings.
"Ooooh, that must be my sisters!" Marge can see Patty and Selma's car on the driveway.
"Sisters hey! Allow me." Jay offers to let them in, thinking they're as attractive as Marge. However after the door opens we hear Jay scream in terror.
Patty and Selma are overjoyed by the opportunity to meet Jay Sherman and his witty remarks rhyming Jimmy Carter with smarter.
“But Jimmy Carter is Smarter...” said Jay Sherman.
Patty and Selma laugh and cough.
Homer tries to copy him with a reference to Scooby doo for doo-doo and Martha for Smartra... it doesn't work...
“Well Scooby Doo can doo doo! And Martha is Smartra..., said Homer.
”Um.... That’s great Dad...” said Bart wincing.
”Hehehehe! Doo-Doo!” Oscar laughed.
Then Patty and Selma ask Jay who in Hollywood is gay.
"Oh I know! Harvey Fierstien." said Marge romantically. Um I think he played a gay man in Ms Doubtfire. I don't think he's actually gay...
However Homer tricks Jay into saying McGyver. Which makes Patty and Selma angry with him. Somehow, Bart's outside riding his bike when he sees Jay hanging from a lamppost by his underwear.
"Ha! You bad mouthed McGyver, didn't you!" Bart says with a giggle. Jay Sherman whimpers.
The following morning Jay Sherman wakes everyone up by singing "Oscar Meyer Wiener" and all the kids (Bart, Lisa, Maggie and Oscar) follow him singing. Homer and Marge soon wake up, with Homer annoyed by the singing.
”Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener! That is what I Truly wish to be! Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener! Everyone would be in love with, oh everyone would be in love with... Everyone would be in love with meeeeeeeeeee!”
That’s it! He has to go! He knows the entire score to the Oscar Meyer Wiener song and knows I hate people singing early in the morning.” said Homer.
The attic monster/Hugo hummed “Oh if I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener...”
”Shut up!” Homer yelled.
Later Bart and Lisa ask Jay if he's met anyone famous.
"Oh lots of people, Orson Welles..."
"Oh poor Mr Welles!" Lisa sighs. "Can't believe he's already gone..."
"Not where I come from. For some bizarre reason he's still alive, and other times he's a cartoonish ghost... Oh and he's obsessed with Mrs Pells Fishsticks for some reason." Jay Sherman explains.
"Cool! What else?" Bart asks.
"Well, there's my adoptive father, Frank who's completely nuts. My foster sister Margo, You might like her Bart." Bart rolls his eyes. "My boss, Duke Phillips, he's a little nuts too... My son Marty... Satoshi, the eater of souls... and some super intelligent Velociraptors..." Jay explains the kooky residents of New York, at least his version of it.
"So what brings you here, Mr Sherman?" Bart asks.
"Well, your mother tells me that your town is hosting a little film festival, and has asked moi to be a judge!" Jay Sherman explains.
Meanwhile in the kitchen Homer is begging Marge to make him a judge.
"No Homer... And Patty and Selma know you tricked Jay Sherman into insulting McGyver, Now they're really mad, at you!" Marge warns.
"Oooooh! I'm so scared! Look I know a good film from a bad film just as much as he does..." Homer groaned.
"Fine..." Marge makes Homer a judge.
The day of the festival Mr Burns drops out of being a judge to join in with the festival. He's annoyed the people see him as an ogre.
"I'll club them and eat their bones!" He yells at Smithers after he explained the people see him as an ogre.
Grogre the ogre who got a job at the plant as a cleaner, winced at Burns and shook his head.
"Uh, yes sir, but how about improving your image to them?" Smithers asks.
"That's it! I shall make a movie! Get me Stephen Spielberg!" Mr Burns demands.
"I'm afraid Mr Spielberg is busy this week sir..." Smithers replied.
"Then get me his Hispanic equivalent, Senor Spielbergo!" Mr Burns demands. Eventually a Hispanic film director, Senor Spielbergo, arrives.
"Now listen here, Senor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Stephen did for Oscar Schindler!" Mr Burns orders the director about.
"But Senor burns... Schindler is buenos and you is, El Diablo!" Spielbergo replies. Explaining once again he is seen as evil.
Marge gathers up the final team of judges, they are Krusty the Clown, Mayor Quimby, herself, Homer and Jay Sherman. They are in a pink room at the film festival's theatre getting ready.
Jay is entertaining Bart, Lisa and Oscar with clever puns.
“So then I said to Woody Allen, "Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is 'smartre.'" said Jay.
“So original.“ Bart complements his wit.
”How droll.“ Lisa whined.
Oscar glared. “Well I told Woody Allen to stop molesting his adopted daughter Dylan! It’s true! He is a sicko!”
Everyone strangely didn’t believe him and ignored him.
Jay continued to talk when... “Oh no!”
”Cookiepuss! I will eat your soul!” said Satoshi the eater of souls.
Elsewhere in an empty theatre Mr Burns is auditioning people for the role of himself for the film.
"Here are the auditions for the role of you, Sir." Smithers explained as he sits next to Mr Burns and Senor Spielbergo.
"Excellent!" Mr Burns says his catchphrase.
Sir Anthony Hopkins in costume as Dr Hannibal Lecter strapped in a gurney is first up.
"Excellent!" He says before making the creepy noise he made after explaining he cooked and ate a census taker's liver with fava beans and a nice glass of Chianti.
"Next!" Mr Burns dismisses him angrily.
William Shatner in costume as Captain James T Kirk is up next. "Ex-el-ex-" he says each syllable.
"Excellenté!" Bumblebee man yells in Spanish.
"Exactly..." Homer says smugly. "D'oh!" He realises he got the line wrong.
A cyber leader cyberman from Earthshock appears on stage. "Excellent!" He says with dramatic music and holding up his fist.
Bill and Ted yell "Excellent!" and make air guitar gestures while a guitar riff plays.
"Oh forget it! I'll play myself!" Mr Burns yells. "Everyone go home! You were all terrible!" He yells at the auditions before walking out of the theatre.
"Anyone wanna go to Moe's?" Homer eventually asks after an awkward silence. The other auditions murmur in agreement with him and they all leave for Moe's.
The film festival then begins. Everyone in town is sat watching the auditions as Jay Sherman announces them.
First up was Apu and Wiggum in a violent cop buddy drama.
”See you in hell!” Apu shot at people with Wiggum as his partnered up officer.
”Coooooool!” said Bart.
Next was Seymour Skinner in a Vietnam war movie. Like Apocalypse Now or Platoon.
Skimmer was a gun toting soldier.
”Oh Seymour! You’re exaggerating!” Agnes sighed.
Next was Moe in a musical. He was wearing make up and dancing on the tavern bar.
”Drink up your booze you stupid clown! Gulp it down!” Then he fell off the bar.
"Nect up is Man getting hit by a football, by Hans Moleman." Jay explained before the film comes up.
"Hans Moleman in, Man getting hit by a football..." Hans narrates before the film starts. The film is a monochrome clip of Hans waiting at his front door when a football hits him in the groin with a funny sound effect and he falls over clutching himself in agony.
Homer bursts out laughing hysterically. "Give that man the Ten Thousand dollars! This contest is over!" Homer laughs while people glare at him.
"This isn't America's funniest home videos..." Jay Sherman comments dryly.
"But the ball! His groin! It works on so many levels!" Homer is still laughing.
"Anyway... next up is touching film by Barney Gumble with the rather unfortunate title, Pukeahontos... ugh!" He shows Barney's film which is deeply poetic and loved by the audience.
”I have an alcohol problem.” Barney was in AA.
”Mr Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.” said Lisa taking up a brief stint as a Girl Scout.
Then he had a rose. Its petals blew away poetically.
”Noooooooo!” The Beast yelled.
Belle face palmed.
"Oh it's so lovely..." says a lady.
"Thanks! I made that!" Barney says to her.
"Ugh! Did something crawl down your throat and die?!" The lady is suddenly rude to him.
"It didn't die..." Barney replied
"Next is a biopic by Mr Burns." Jay announces Mr Burns's film. However he's just ripped off scenes from Stephen Spielberg films with himself as the main role. E.G as Jesus and ET, the extra terrestrial.
“ET phone home....” Oscar chanted.
Bart face palmed.
The film is called A Burns for all seasons.
Burns is the Tristar woman.
”I’m richer than you.” He said.
Then he is god in Michelangelo’s Sistine chapel ceiling painting.
“Simple villagers, I promise you... I will close plants in America and bring work here.” said Mr Burns in Mexico.
Bumblebee Man and other Mexicans including Speedy Gonzales cheer. “Viva Señor Burns!
Mr Burns is dragged off by his mule in a comical manner.
“We did 20 takes, and that was the best one.” Mr Burns sighed.
Then he did ET... “Remember, Elliott, I'll be right here.
“ET phone hooooome...” Oscar quoted.
”Oz enough!” Bart whined.
“Self-indulgent tripe.“ Audience members muttered and jeered.
“I don't care what they say. I'm going to win this festival.” Mr Burns snapped.
Then he referenced Ben Hur crosses with Ten Commandments.
Charlton Heston in chains collapses. Someone comforts him and offers him a modern day plastic bottle of water.
“Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur.” said Mr Burns as Jesus.
”You truly are the king of kings.“ said Ben Hur Charlton Heston.
“Excellent.” said Mrs Burns as holy sun light shone on him.
”You damn dirty J-“ Oscar was about to yell Damn dirty Jews...
”Don’t you dare!” Jurkle snapped.
The audience hate it and boo him.
"ET was a great film, but a rubbish video game!" Are some of the jeers. That last one was from Oscar.
"Smithers are they booing me?!" Mr Burns asked.
"No, they're saying Boo-urns!" Smithers explained.
"Are you saying boo or boo-urns?" Mr Burns asks. The crowd boo him even louder and throw food and drink at him.
"I was saying Boo-urns..." Hans Moleman says quietly under the loud audience.
"Alright order people! Settle down!" Jay asks for the audience to behave. They settle down. "Next up is a last minute entry from Bart Simpson, another biopic. Come on up Bart..."
However Bart's film is just an extreme close up vlog of his butt that he tricked everyone with at the town meeting. Everyone yells in disgust. There are cries of "Turn it off!" And Bart giggles deviously.
”Nyahahahaha!” Bart laughs.
”Turn it off! Turn it off!” George C Scott yelled shaking the seat in front of him.
Marge is embarrassed and humiliated as she covers her face.
"Very funny Bart, now get off the stage please..." Jay groans as Bart stops his film and leaves the stage. "Ugh! I'm gonna need to bleach my eyes after that one..."
“Well I liked that film.” said Kevin Spacey.
After the showings of the films the judges go into the boardroom to vote.
"Okay ladies and gentlemen? Let's vote." Jay asks. "I already know what I'm voting for, Barney's surprisingly wonderful Pukeahontos." Marge nods and agrees with him.
"Well I vote for Mr Burns's film." Krusty votes.
"I err also voted for Mr Burns..." Mayor Quimby stutters.
"Ugh! How can you vote for that man?!" Jay asks.
"Because it moved me, To a bigger house!!" Krusty yells. "Oops, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud..."
"Well, I vote for Barney as well." Marge votes.
"Ugh, a tie breaker. That just leaves Homer. It's all up to you Homer..." Jay explains.
"Football in the groin! Football in a groin!" Homer votes for Hans Moleman's film. Everyone groans.
"Well, we're gonna be here all night..." Jay sighs at the tied votes.
"Homer..." Marge sighs.
"Well, I have place to be! Come on Quimby!" Krusty and Mayor Quimby go home.
A loud burp is heard.
"Coming Eudora..." Jay calls back to the burp.
After the votes Marge has a heart to heart talk with Homer in the corridor.
"But Marge, it was hilarious! The ball! His groin! I can't talk without laughing-" Homer gets the giggles again.
"Homer, there's more to life than, as funny as it may, a man getting hit in the groin with a football..." Jay Sherman explained. Suddenly a football is thrown at him and hits him hard in the groin with a funny sound effect and he falls to the ground clutching himself in agony.
Nelson goes "Ha ha!"
"Nelson gets it." Homer says to Marge.
Marge and Jay Sherman agree that Homer should see both movies, Hans Moleman's and Barney's again, And make a proper judgment. Homer seriously ponders both films this time.
The top films are put up for display as Jay Sherman reads out the results.
"And the winner is..... (there's a drum roll) Barney Gumble!" Jay announces as everyone except Mr Burns and Smithers cheers ecstatically. "Come on up Barney!"
Barney comes up on stage to receive his prize.
"Homer, I'm so proud of you." Marge lets Homer know he made the right decision in the end.
"Barney, you win ten thousand dollars along with a life supply of Duff beer!" Jay pulls back the curtains to reveal a giant tankard of Duff and ladies carrying a giant check for ten thousand dollars.
"Oh my god!" Barney gasps. "Inject it straight into my veins!" Two doctors come on and do just that with a catheter. Barney faints in a drunk stupor.
After the show, the Simpsons wave Jay Sherman goodbye as he gets on the plane back to New York.
“Hey Marge! I just pranked Jay! I gave him a can of spring snakes but he’ll think it’s beer nuts!” Homer laughed. “Mmmmmmm! Beer nuts...” Homer opens a can of beer nuts. However spring snakes fly out! Homer screams at the spring snakes as they fly out.
Meanwhile at another music festival Mr Burns has bribed everyone to vote for his film.
"I can't lose! I've bribed everyone in this room!" Mr Burns says with glee.
"And the winner is, George C Scott in, Man getting hit by a football." The host announces to the cheering audience. Mr Burns screws up his papers in fury.
The film is George C Scott getting hit in the groin with a football and a funny sound effect as he falls over in pain yelling "Ow! My groin!"
A series of films that didn’t make the final cut.
Ned and his family tried to reenact the story of baby Moses.
”Now Maude, you put the baby Moses played by our Todd in the reeds.” said Ned.
Maude put Todd in a baby basket in the river but the current swept him away.
”Oh no Neddy!” Maude gasped.
”Help meeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeee!” Todd cried.
Homer laughed hysterically.
”Stop it! Ahahahaha! You’re killing me! Ahahahaha!”
Ned and Marge glared at him for finding that funny,
The residents of the retirement home submitted a film of themselves at a pool party. Crazy old Jewish man had his trousers down singing “The old mare ain’t what she used to be! Ain’t what she used to be!” And the ladies at the home did a striptease.
Everyone at the film festival screamed in disgust.
Next was a film Bart was gonna submit instead of the one about his butt.
Bart is recording some footage around the house while addressing the viewers dressed up nicely in a dinner suit with his spikes combed down in that dorky style he has for church and court.
“And from the makers of Homer in the bathtub and Homer on the can... I give you, the eternal struggle.” said Bart opening a door with a piece of paper with the slogan The Eternal Struggle on it. Inside is the master bedroom where Homer is grunting as he tries to put on his trousers.
“Ugh! Come on! One size fits all? My butt!” Homer grunted.
The entire audience laughs.
“Why you little! I’ll teach you to get rich from my humiliation!” Homer yells as he strangles Bart.
Mr Burns had one audition that didn’t make the final cut of the episode.
“Sir you have one more audition for the part of you sir!” said Smithers.
Satan was on stage.
“Excellent! Mwuhahahaha!” Satan laughed evilly.
“He’s great! He can be my understudy!” said Mr Burns.
Then Lisa submitted a Swedish art movie.
“Homer essen meine Haagen-Datz.” said Lisa. Homer ate my Haagen-Datz was what she said.
Maggie sucked her pacifier. Their starfish hair dos then interlocked like gears.
Lisa was sat dressed up nicely for a film festival. Maggie was dressed as the Grim Reaper.
“Aaaaaaaagh! Death!” Gramps screamed pointing to Maggie.
Lisa face palmed.
- This episode has a cameo from Jay Sherman, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Charlton Heston, Bill and Ted, William Shatner, a cyber leader from Earthshock and George C Scott.
- Jay mentions the main characters of the Critic.