A Fish Called Selma Aunt Gladys dies and leaves Jaqueline her pet lizard, Jub Jub. Then Selma finds love again with Troy McClure. But is this just a way of burying rumours of his bizarre fetish for fish...
Plot[]
The Simpsons and the Bouviers are going to Aunt Gladys's funeral.
"Why do I have to come?" Homer moaned. "I don't even know the old hag!"
"Homer!" Marge yelled.
"Wasn't this turn of events copied from the Tracy Ullman shorts?" Oscar asked.
"Oscar stop breaking the fourth wall!" Homer yelled as he drove.
"No that was my brother Hubert's funeral." said Grampa Simpson.
...
They arrived at the funeral parlour. When Homer found out there was no buffet he broke down and cried like he did in Bart's funeral nightmare.
"It's just not fair!" He sobbed.
"There there!" Marge comforted him, thinking he was showing love for dear aunt Gladys.
Lisa was up next.
"I never really got to know you Great Aunt Gladys. But I hoped if things were different we could have got to know each other."
"Don't worry about it." said a gravely voice.
Lisa screamed and ran out the parlour.
Bart and Oscar, who were the ones responsible for the voice were giggling behind the coffin.
"Bart where are you?" Marge asked.
Bart tried to make it look as if he wasn't up to mischief.
"Say goodbye to Great Aunt Gladys." said Marge.
Bart had nothing to say. Instead he kept lifting up Gladys's arm and letting it drop with a gross noise. Eventually Homer had to stop him.
"Don't mess with the dead boy. They have eerie powers..." Homer explained.
"Homer!" Marge scolded him for scaring Bart. "Bart have a little more respect please..."
...
Then was her video will, narrated by Orson Welles...
"Tonight follows a tale magic and mystery..."
"Mr Welles! This is a video will!" said Lionel Hutz.
"What?! Look I don't need this! I have a fishstick commercial to do! I quit!" Orson Welles walked out. Then he came back in. "Oh what the heck. I need the money."
"What follows is a tale of probate, beneficiaries and goblins!" Orson yelled.
"Cool!" said Oscar.
"Mr Welles!" Lionel on the tape yelled.
"Fine. No goblins." Orson sighed. "I give you the living will!! Gahahahaha!" He laughed evilly and scary music and lightning played.
Everyone rolled their eyes.
The will played. Aunt Gladys was sitting stroking her pet lizard, Jub Jub.
She explained read a poem.
"All in favour of skipping the poem..." Homer groaned.
"Homer!" Marge yelled.
"Aye...." said everyone. Including Jacqueline and Patty and Selma. Marge grumbled as the poem was skipped.
Gladys then read the terms of her will. Her collection of potato chips that resembled celebrities went to Marge. Unfortunately Homer ate them.
"Hmmmmmmmm!" Marge grumbled as Homer ate the chips.
Gladys's grandfather clock went to Patty and Selma. They didn't like it.
She said something nice about the kids. "Unfortunately I don't think I'll be around long enough to see my nieces have children. But if you have any send them my love."
Marge cried.
Finally she gave Jacqueline her pet lizard Jub Jub.
Lionel brought out Jub Jub in his cage. The lizard made a noise.
Jacqueline sighed. She didn't want him.
Then Lionel recorded a line over Aunt Gladys asking for a small donation.
"Mr Hutz!" Marge scolded him.
Then the will ended and came back to Orson Welles in his office.
"And there's no fish stick like Mrs Pell's." said Orson Welles.
"This isn't a commercial!" said Lionel Hutz on the tape.
"I know! That was a declaration of love!" Orson retorted. He then took out a box of raw Mrs Pell's fish sticks and began eating them. "Yes! Oh yes! They're even better raw!"
The tape ended.
"Can we just ship that nut back to New York already..." Bart sighed.
...
After the funeral Selma wanted to stop for lunch at a greasy diner.
"Sure, whatever you want Selma." Marge had to agree to what her older sisters wanted. She figured this was their way of coping with their loss.
"Well that legacy of dear Great Aunt Gladys was informative." said Lisa.
"Yeah, like the legend of the dog faced old woman..." said Homer's brain to him.
Homer bursted out laughing. "The dog faced woman! That's a classic!" He laughed hysterically.
"Homer!" Marge yelled.
They pulled up to the diner.
At the diner nearly everyone was eating. Homer was doing the maze on the kid's menu. Marge was too busy worrying about Aunt Gladys.
...
Later at home Patty and Selma came over with Jub Jub.
"Mom didn't want him. She tried to attack him a hat pin when we got home." said Selma as she cradled Jub Jub. "He feels like a baby..." She smiled.
"Selma..." Marge sighed. "You're still getting broody..."
Later they had an activity. Sorting out Tupperware containers. However Selma started having fun livening things up for the kids who were getting bored.
"Look, you can wear them on your head!" said Selma stuffing one on her head. It squashed her face grotesquely.
"Ay carumba!" Yelled Bart.
Oscar wet his pants.
Jub Jub saw her and screamed jumping on a lamp.
"Don't be silly, Jub Jub! It's me, Mama!" said Selma.
"Hmmmmm!" Marge sighed as she took Oscar to get changed.
...
After Patty and Selma went home, the family watched TV. Troy McClure was starring in The Muppets go Medieval.
There was some story between Troy as the villain holding Miss Piggy hostage as an evil knight and Kermit trying to rescue her. However she decided she loved Troy McClure more.
"Well you're not a fish, but oh well." said Troy before kissing her.
"Dad, what's a Muppet?" Lisa asked.
"Well, its not quite a mup, and it's not quite a puppet... but damn! They're the funniest thing on TV!" Homer laughed.
"Who's the wrinkly muppet fighting Kermit?" Bart asked.
"That's no muppet! That's famed actot Troy McClure!" Marge explained. "Boy he used to be such a heartthrob!"
"Marge! He used to you know... those rumours about him down at the aquarium..."
"Homer!" Marge scolded him. "People don't do that thing with fish..."
Marge sighed thinking romantic thoughts of Troy McClure. "I wonder what his doing now..."
...
Troy McClure was driving erratically. Eventually Wiggum had to stop him.
"Okay wise guy. Do you mind- Troy McClure! I must be seeing stars!" Wiggum gasped.
"No just one star tonight Chief." Troy quipped with a dashing smile.
"Well, I still need to check your license." Troy handed over his license. "It says hear you wear prescription glasses for astigmatism! Put on those specs!" Wiggum said sharply.
"But that would be a crime against nature!" Troy protested. He then reluctantly put on his glasses. They were really geeky.
"Ugh! Well they do make you look sort of geeky... Tell you what. I'll let you off tonight but you have to go to the DMV tomorrow to get your eyes checked." Wiggum replied.
"Sure Chief." Troy drove off.
...
The next day Troy McClure went to Patty and Selma's DMV to have his eyes tested. However when they saw him they were star struck.
"Oooooh! You're Troy McClure! Star of such romantic films such as Hercules and Dr Love!" said Selma.
"Well, darling. How about you just pass my eye exam so I can get back on the road and maybe I'll take you out for dinner..." Troy replied romantically.
Selma passed him with the green stamp.
"That took a lot of guts!" Troy replied.
...
One evening they were in a romantic restaurant. Fat Tony and his gang saw them.
"Hey boss. I thought you said Troy McClure was dead!" said the soike haired squeaky voiced gangster.
"No, I said he was sleeping with the fishes! Which meant-" Fat Tony explained.
"No please Tony! I just ate a plate of dingamagoo!"
"Stop bringing my Mama's pasta into this!" Tony yelled.
Meanwhile at the restaurant.
Selma sees that the restaurant is decorated with pictures of celebrities.
"So where's yours Troy..." Selma asks romantically.
"Well, uh..." Troy McClure stutters. His portrait is being used as a dog flap for the back door. A dog comes in using it.
Troy then excuses himself to go to the bathroom.
Selma lights herself a cigarette. However everyone and the waiter stare at her in horror.
"Madam, this is a no smoking restaurant!" said the waiter.
Selma was so embarrassed she ran off.
...
Outside in the car park she was crying and saying how humiliated she felt to herself. Suddenly someone asked for a light. That someone was Troy McClure with a cigar in his mouth.
Selma was delighted he came to find her. She light his cigar. She also was happy he was a smoker.
"My last husband never shared any of my interests... I don't really like to talk about him..." Selma explained. "He was an ex convict. I'm due to go through our divorce tomorrow."
"How about I come with you. And maybe I'll teach you to smoke a cigar..." Troy replied romantically. Then he thought to himself.
("Why am I having feelings for this woman?! She's not a mermaid! Or is she?") said Troy's brain. He imagined her as a mermaid.
...
One evening back at his office, Troy was visited by his agent.
"Good news Troy! You're little date with a chick last night has successfully buried rumours of your... well your thing with fish..." said his agent. "Studios everywhere are asking you to star in their next movies!"
"Go on..." Troy was excited.
"Check this. You're being offered a role in Planet of the Apes, the musical. As the human." He meant Taylor.
"But that's Charlton Heston's role in the movie!" Troy gasped. He thought long and hard. Maybe he should stick with Selma for now. Just to bury the embarrassing rumours of his fetish completely.
...
The Simpsons went to Selma's divorce hearing at Springfield Penitentiary.
Sideshow Bob arrived.
"Hello, Bart." He said ominously. The Sideshow Bob theme played.
"Yaaaaaa! Sideshow Bob!" Bart yelled.
"Bart stop screaming at your uncle Bob." Selma told him off. Marge gave her a hard look. "I mean Ex uncle Bob."
"Selma, we both know, I tried to horribly murder you and you demanded this divorce so let's just get on with it." Sideshow Bob sighed. Troy then came in with flowers. "Ugh! I see you've already moved on..."
"Troy is a darling! He at least hasn't tried to murder me or my nephew..." Selma retorted as Troy sat down next her.
"Sideshow Bob! Why Selma! I didn't know you and him were-" Troy gasped.
"Whatever we were Troy means nothing! I love you now!" Selma interrupted him and snogged him.
"Well Selma, I was gonna just settle this embarrassing matter and pay you off with a generous sum of my fortune. But instead I'll see you in court!" said Sideshow Bob as he stormed out of the divorce proceedings.
...
The Simpsons one evening were personally invited to the premiere of Planet of the Apes the musical.
"Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty apes!" Troy said that famous line.
"He can talk! He can talk!" said the ape guards.
"I can siiiiiing!" Troy sung.
"Oh! Help me Dr Zaius!" said an ape nurse.
"Dr Zaius Dr Zaius! Dr Zaius Dr Zaius! Oooooh Dr Zaius!" The orangutans sung to the tune of Rock Me Amadeus. The rest of the scene was a duet sung between Dr Zaius and Troy as Taylor.
Bart and Oscar thought the musical was cool.
The final scene was Troy singing that the Apes would never make a monkey out of him. However the Statue of Liberty appeared. He realised he was wrong and that they had finally made a monkey out of him. Then the song reached a conclusion and Troy announced his love for Dr Zaius.
Everyone cheered.
Troy McClure then announced his love to Selma and asked her up on the stage. Everyone cheered except Homer.
After the show the paparazzi took photos of Troy and Selma.
"Smile for the cameras baby! Troy's back from the gutter! And he's brought someone with him!" Troy said as the paparazzi took photos.
...
Selma eventually moved in with Troy at his posh, futuristic looking house.
"Selma! Isn't Jub Jub wonderful! He's everywhere you want him to be!" said Troy holding Jub Jub.
Jub Jub chirped.
Selma checked out the bedroom there was an aquarium built into the wall behind it. Selma didn't like the thought of being watched by the fish all night.
"Oh, McGyver's on!" said Selma as she switched on the TV to watch McGyver.
Troy meanwhile went to his room to speak to his agent. He had more good news. However he explained that to really play up the charade he would need to marry Selma.
One evening at dinner he proposed to Selma. "Selma, would you marry me?" Troy asked.
"Oh yes!" Selma replied.
Then they went to drive in theatre and watched the Muppets go Medieval guest starring Troy McClure. Troy recited his own lines to Selma, Selma replied doing Miss Piggy’s lines.
“It ain’t easy being green...” said Kermit the frog.
They got married. And Lisa was annoyed yet again that she wasn't picked as the flower girl.
"Look, they picked Maggie alright?" Bart retorted. Maggie kept falling over.
Lovejoy was the vicar. As usual.
“Now I must ask anyone here, if there is any reason these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” asked Lovejoy.
Everyone was silent.
In Homer’s head he was singing. “Nah nah nah nah! Hey! La la la la! Hey! La la la la! Hey! Bah bah bah bah! Hey!” and so on.
...
However Troy got another phone call from his agent. He now needed to have kids to really bury the rumours.
At Moe's he got drunk and whispered to Homer that he didn't really love Selma and that it was a sham marriage. Homer was shocked.
That night in bed.
"Goodnight honey. Oh and Troy told me he doesn't really love Selma and it's all just a sham marriage to cover up his weird fetish!"
Marge was horrified.
"Honey close your eyes, I can still see them in the dark." said Homer as we can just see Marge's eyes.
The following morning Marge told Patty the news and they invited Selma round to explain to her.
However she just thought they were jealous.
"Oh, I see my sisters have come down with the case of the green eyed gezungas!" said Selma. "You're doomed to die alone! And your husband would have to bathe to be pig!"
Marge yelled at her. "Troy doesn't really love you! It's all just a sham marriage to cover up his weird fish fetish!"
Selma was taken aback. "I uh have to go now."
...
Troy was reading his newspaper when he looked up to find Selma glaring at him.
"Is this a sham marriage?!" Selma yelled at him.
"Sure baby. Is that a problem?" said Troy without batting an eyelid.
"Are you gay?" Selma asked.
"Gay? No! If I were gay there would be no problem! You see, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one that must be kept hidden from the public eye at all cost! You see..." Troy explained.
"Stop! Enough!" Selma recoiled in disgust. "I want a divorce!"
"But Selma baby! So it's a fake marriage. But we had fun right? And if you stay on Troy's wild ride I'll take you to see all the right people! You'll be famous! Whattya say?"
"Selma was smoking a cigarette. "Tell me more about Troy's wild ride..." she said romantically.
...
Troy was having another meeting with his agent.
"Hollywood wants you to be in a buddy comedy with Robert Lowe and Hugh Grant." said his agent.
"Those sick freaks?!" Troy yelled.
...
Later one night Selma and Troy were trying to get romantic. Selma poured some wine.
"Come here tiger..." Selma beckoned him.
Troy took the wine and drank it and growled seductively but ran back to the bathroom door.
"Uh, why don't you come over here and make yourself more comfortable..." Selma asked.
"No, why don't you come over here and make yourself more comfortable!" Troy replied. "It's not working! I'm just not attracted to you! Or any woman!"
Selma sighed. "I wanna go home..." she got dressed.
"Wait! We can still adopt! That's it! We'll find some poor orphan a home! Celebs do that all the time!"
"Troy... keeping up this sham marriage wasn't too bad. We weren't hurting anyone. But I just can't bring up a child into a loveless marriage..." she kissed Troy. "Goodbye Troy..." And then she left into the night with Troy watching her drive away.
"Let's go home Jub Jub. I'll cook you some nice roaches." said Selma to her lizard.
Jub Jub chirped.
...
The news of Troy ending his marriage soon spread about town. However it had finally buried the rumours of his fish fetish.
One evening he got a phone call from his agent.
"Yes! I'm going to Sea World!" Troy cheered.
The End.
